the stache

In my attempt to be responsible I decided to go to bed early tonight in order to get up early tomorrow morning (at 4:30 am) for work. I now realize I tried a little too hard because by going to bed at only 7:30pm, I slept for a few hours and find myself here, at 9:30pm, wide awake.

oops.

So here I go... being honest again.

This is what happens when you don't sleep... the truth comes out.

I met this guy this weekend. Not the one I wrote about last weekend... a different one. The one I now find myself thinking about instead of the one I mentioned last week. Bare with me, I'm only 24, I'm a girl, and I'm single... a lot can happen in a week.

He really struck a chord with me. I realize you may not be surprised seeing as this is the girl who "'falls in love' with everyone." But this was different.

First of all... if I had been in control of the situation we would not have met in the circumstances in which we did. I had a horrible day on Friday. I just did. I don't even know if I know why, it was just one of those days combined with lack of sleep and it wasn't pretty. I felt like Alexander, who had the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and wanted to move to Australia. Then he realized that there are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days even in Australia.

I was invited to go eat dinner at a close friend's house with some of her family and closest of friends. I got off of work at 5pm and was supposed to be there at 6pm. I decided not to go. I was too tired, didn't feel good, and wasn't feeling up to mingling... plus I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I was going to pack my bags for Australia, but since I was too tired I just decided to take a nap instead. Hoping my nap would help, I decided to call my friend and tell her I would be late (due to my rough day) and then I would play it by ear and see how I felt when I woke up.

Turns out, much like a cranky toddler, I feel better after naps.

I decided I would go, not only because I felt better, but because I really wanted to see my friend. I wanted to be able to tell her about my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and get it off my chest... but I knew I probably wasn't going to be able to that night since I wasn't planning on unloading my issues for all of her family and closest of friends. That would have made for a great story though.

Anyway, I arrive at the house and am greeted by someone I don't recognize. Crap. Wrong house.

Actually, no, it was just an in-law... a very nice in-law. She greeted me and was nice enough to let me in where I finally saw my friend's familiar face. There's something about seeing a familiar face on a bad day that just calms my spirit. She hugged me and pulled me into the kitchen to meet the rest of the crew. I wondered if they could tell I had such a bad day. My energy was low, I had just been crying, and I had on no make up what-so-ever. I didn't mind not having on makeup, but it would have been nice seeing as how everyone else looked so nice, and didn't look like they had all just been crying.

Anyway... My friend sits me down next to one of her friends, across from the nice in-law, and we all chat in the kitchen while waiting for supper. As we are talking I'm starting to get the vibe that the woman I am talking to, the friend of my friend, has a son, round about my age, that my friend has wanted me to meet before.

I hear the bells on the front door ring, and sure enough, in walks the son of the friend of my friend. "Oh God, " I thought, "please no. I'm too tired." As a girl, your thoughts automatically think "relationship." I had already decided in my mind that I wasn't going to be interested... A) because I was in a bad mood, B) because I had a crush on someone else, and 3) because he had a mustache.

Don't get me wrong, pretty much every male in my family has a mustache, and I even like facial hair (especially during winter), but it seemed like a legitimate excuse at the time.

He introduced himself from across the table as we all sat down to eat. Nice guy. I tell myself to leave it at that. But then the night went on, and I found myself unable to stop laughing. It was like hanging out with myself, but not because there was another person there. I say this because I get my humor, laugh at myself quiet often, and love the way God made me, which in turn makes it easy to make other people laugh. But this was different... I wasn't the one making myself or the other people laugh... it was him. As I watched him (in a non-weird way) I felt like I was watching the guy version of me... with a mustache.

I'd look good with a mustache.

I hear him talk about similar interests that I have, and I try not to be the girl that blurts out "oh me too, me too!" That's not obvious. He continues to enjoy the spotlight that I usually enjoy, and I realize... I don't mind sharing it. For the first time I don't mind sharing the spotlight.

What? What the crap is that all about?

I tell myself it's because I had a bad day and didn't feel up to competing for it, but honestly, I enjoyed sitting back and watching him... in a non-weird way. I love to laugh. I love to really laugh. And Friday night, I really laughed.

He ended up leaving early, and to be honest I was kind of bummed.

I haven't stopped laughing since. Whether it be because I'm a total girl, or he was just that funny, or both, I randomly think about things he said and just start laughing. Out loud. Sometimes in situations that aren't appropriate for laughing.

Today at work a woman ordered some coffee and I laughed at her. Well, not at her, at this guy, that I met Friday night, who really makes me laugh... but she didn't know that, nor did she care. I could tell by the smile on her face and the big tip she left, or lack there of.

I've spent a good portion of my weekend laughing and praying. Praying about why I was laughing. This guy really struck a chord with me, and I don't know what it's about, but all I know to do is to say "Here God... I'm thinking and feeling this way right now, and I can't stop laughing. Either take it away, or laugh with me so I don't feel stupid." So far, we're still laughing.



As we all know, Tuesday was Christmas morning. I had to work at Starbucks at 10:30am, which I thought would be fun, but ended up being painfully busy, and just totally not fun. I was regretting working the whole day, until something made it totally worth it.

This guy, that I met Friday night, who really makes me laugh, came in to buy some coffee... without his mustache.

I didn't have an excuse not to be interested... A) because I was in a good mood, B) because I completely forgot who I even had a crush on before, and 3) because He didn't have a mustache.

I smiled. And laughed to myself.

Maybe not, but I like to think he came in because he knew I was working and made it a point to come to that Starbucks to get a pound of coffee, on Christmas day. Or maybe it's just because his mom needed some coffee and that was the closest Starbucks that was actually open.

Either way, it made my day.

coffee?

I've had a real writer's block the last few weeks. I've started to write many different entries, but can never seem to finish. Either that or I can't seem to make a point, or even understand my point for that matter.

I've been distracted, and I've tried to write in the midst of that distraction, but it doesn't work, it only distracts me from writing. So if I want to write, I have to write about what it is that is distracting me.

Ugh.

I realize I don't have to share this with the public, I could just as easily journal about it and no one would need to know. But there's something really freeing about being real with people. It's like "hey, here I am, this is me!" And it's freeing because you realize people like you for you, even in all your mess, and not for who you pretend to be.

Even now, I can feel myself wanting to stop writing because I don't want to be vulnerable, but I'm tired of not being vulnerable. I'm tired of not taking risks. I realize this is just a blog and not the New York Times, and even though I think the world of myself, the world doesn't think much of me. However... it's still a risk to post how you really feel.

I could just as easily post what I did yesterday or this past weekend, but it wouldn't match up with what was really going on yesterday or this past weekend... because even though I was physically present in certain places, my mind was else where.

So in an attempt to clear my head, this is where I was this weekend... even though I took part in some amazing stuff... volunteering at Bardwell with friends, dinner at the Jon Fergusons with my best friend, a concert with an old family friend... this is where I was this weekend...

I thought about this guy.

This guy that technically I don't even know, but he intersts me... and I want the chance to get to know him. Don't get me wrong, I know him enough to be interested in him, but not enough to actually know him. To know if it's him that I like, or the idea of him. The idea I have of him is great. But I wonder if that's really him.

We've said hey a few times and enjoyed small talk... atleast I have... but as far as I know, it's me with the interest and not him.

People ask how I know he's not interested, and it's not that I know, but as a girl it's like you have this understanding that if a guy is interested in you, he shows you, shy or not. He asks you to coffee, he shows up where you work, he makes an effort to show that he's making an effort to get to know you.

In all pathetic honesty, I sometimes wonder if he'll show up where I work, whether it be Ground Level Cafe or Starbucks, and ask me to coffee. Yes, coffee... eventhough I work in a coffee shop. And it doesn't even have to be Starbucks coffee, or any certain kind for that matter. You know why? Cause it's not about the coffee. I'm not interested in being taken out to a fancy dinner or a romantic movie. I'm not interested in being impressed. I'm not even interested in the coffee for that matter. I'm interested in who he is. I'm interested in getting to know him. Great conversation makes for good coffee no matter where you are. The opportunity to just sit and form a friendship. Who forms a frienship staring at a big screen for an hour and a half?

.........

uhhh.....

.........

Writer's block...

it's back.




which means I'll be back...

but that's as far as my honesty extends for now.

Waiting

Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Tired of Waiting.



Take Action.



Action fails.



Go back to waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Tired of waiting.



Take action.



Action fails.



Go back to waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Tired of waiting.



Take action.



Action fails.



Go back to waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Tired of waiting.



Keep waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



Waiting.



God shows up.



Takes Action.



Action does not fail.



But I'm still waiting.

fire in the mountains

Does it really matter that I'm not following my meal plan?

I realize this has nothing to do with the picture, but this is how my random mind works... I start one thing and think of another. As I was posting this picture I took at Thanksgiving I was wondering if I felt hungry or tired... or both?

In all honesty, I didn't want to feel hungry... so I decided I must just be tired. Isn't it funny how we think we can tell ourselves how to feel?

Oh God... I'm so tired and so hungry for so much more than just a life of recovery and a meal plan. I want more out of life. I know the purpose of my life is not to just follow a meal plan... but it feels that way. Most people think it seems easy enough... but it is soo hard.

Um...

WHAT is that white stuff on the ground?

it's BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

I woke up a few times really early this morning before actually getting out of bed. It felt like someone was waking me up because I would be in a real deep sleep and then wake up suddenly as if someone was shaking me, but also very calmly as if they were whispering my name.

Once I actually got out of bed, I knew who it was. Believe me, I realize the cheesiness of what I'm about to say, but I also whole heartedly believe it was God. He was like an excited little kid who couldn't wait for me to wake up and see the snow. I knew it was him because as soon as I walked upstairs and looked out the window it was like my breath was taken away and God said "See, see what I wanted to show you? Isn't it beautiful?"

He was just as excited as I was... except I don't think he was as excited about the snow as he was just seeing my reaction to it. It's like when you get someone the perfect gift and the only thing you want in return is to see how much they love it.

Well, I can sure say one thing about this morning... He delivered!!!

And it was perfect!

This is a side of God I have never really seen. I mean, I've maybe seen glimpse of it back in South Carolina... a few snow flurries here, a few there... but the glimpses just don't do the reality of how beautiful it is justice. And by "it," I mean this side of God.

Wow... God is even showing me just how big and beautiful He is in Warrenville, Illinois.

I have expereinced God in Spanish in Guatemala, Afrikkans in South Africa, English in England (hah.. kidding... but not really... he has a cool british accent too). I've seen him in the waves of the ocean and the sand on the beaches. I have been blessed to see sides of God in some amazing places, and today I have discovered another side of God that has truley taken my breath away.

I miss the beach. I've always said I feel alive when I'm in the ocean. But the snow awakens something in me that I didn't know was there... until today.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the ordinary days... because they make days like this absolutely amazing!

the itch

So here I am, freezing cold, in a basement that has been totally redone and become my bedroom... in Warrenville, Illinois. I'm so blessed to have family members that love me enough to take me in, take care of me, provide for me, and support my recovery... But I can't help but wonder... What the hell am I doing here?

I love where I am, but now that I've been settled here for a while, I'm startingto get the itch. The itch to leave. The itch to run. The itch I feel when I realize I've been somewhere long enough for people to start to really get to know me. I know I'm good with first impressions, and even seconds or thirds. But when it comes to letting someone into my world and really knowing me... I know nothing about it.

I did once. And the result... I've decided to never do it again.

So here I am, taking control again, refusing to let anybody hurt me.

Refusing to take a chance of letting anyone in... because what if, just what if, they leave? And not just leave, but take every emotion I've ever had or known and completely strip me of it? What if it happens all over again?

I guess that's not totally a fair statement. He didn't take all of my emotions, in many ways I gave them to him. But I guess I didn't know any better. Or maybe I did, and I completely just put all of my hope and trust in a false reality.

I realize this is going to be a bold statement, but... emotionally raped. That's what it feels like. And now I even make my friends pay for "what he did" by not letting them in.

Even me writing this is an attempt to want someone to love me, or feel sorry for me, or take care of me, or be my "rescuer" or whatever... but I don't plan on disclosing anymore. I have become strategic in that way... disclose enough for people to care, but not enough to let them in.

I realize God is supposed to be my rescuer, and He is in some ways, but that's just it... I've let Him become my rescuer in some ways, but not in all or even many ways. Not in ways that I'm willing to surrender control... like my feelings. By not letting people in, I have control of my feelings. I control if I get hurt or not, I control how I feel. I decide not to date... I have control. I decide not to eat... I have control. I decide not to open up to my best friend... I have control. I decide to leave when I feel the itch... I have control.

My best friend can't hurt me, the guy can't break my heart, the food can't overwhelm me, and the itch can't bother me. I control how I feel and in the process I have learned how to not feel pain. Or anything for that matter. And you know what the ironic thing is?
It hurts.

In my attempt to avoid being hurt, I find myself broken hearted and very much alone.

I know I have a lot of people who love me, but when I don't allow them to love me for who I am, does it really mean anything? And so as one of my favorite songs says... I have found myself in a crowded room and terribly lonely. Terribly lonely because I have covered up the girl I want people to love, but am to afraid to show. Afraid because what if, just what if, they leave? And what if it happens all over again? I've told God that I refuse to go through that again, but I'm starting to wonder who I think I am to tell God what I will and will not go through.

So all I can say is...

Here, God, I have this thing that I am holding in my hand and I want to control it, I want it to be mine. The very thought of giving it up makes me angry. And in all honesty, I don't trust you with it, cause if I did, I would have already given it to you. I'm willing to hold my hand out, but I still have a tight grip on what I want. All I'm asking is for you to meet me there. Meet me with my hand out and loosen my grip. I can't do it. Please hear my heart and soul cry out to you for help... even when my flesh wants to run in the opossite direction. Even when my flesh actually does run in the opposite direction and takes my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and everything with it. Here me in this moment, always... I want you.