circling

I woke up feeling quite refreshed today. I was tempted to sleep a little bit longer until I felt my heart sink down to my stomach as I realized I forgot to move my car last night from the tow zone it was parked in.

Hear me out, responsible loved ones who want me to make wise choices... it wasn't a tow zone when I parked there. It became a tow zone the following morning at 7:00am when the high school I live across from takes up ownership of that whole side of the street until at least 4:30pm.

"Maybe by some shear miracle they didn't tow me," I optimistically thought to myself. As I put on my jacket and grabbed my keys I thought about it more... "yea right, the city of Chicago not make money off of me... hah!"

With a city in as deep of debt as Chicago, the people who work for the city become like vultures, scouting the streets for their next victim. I know this to be true since this is my 3rd time being towed since moving to the city last November. I won't mention the number of parking tickets.

People always ask, "how do you like Chicago?" I always answer the same, "other than parking and the weather, I love it."

Sure enough, I get to the street and my car is gone. Man, I love that feeling first thing in the morning! It just sets the pace for the whole day. I was so excited to figure out where it was towed to, how much it was going to cost, and how I was going to get there before going to work this afternoon. So many mysteries lay ahead of me.

The funny thing is, I'm being half serious. Someone once told me that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. So in an attempt to change my attitude, I decided to play a little game... "who's got JJ's car?"

As it turns out, the city owns this place called "lower hell" on Lower Wacker Drive where it takes all of it's victims. Part of what is so hellish about this place is that it's impossible to find. Even if you get to Lower Wacker and see a bunch of parked cars, you can't figure out how to get to where those parked cars are. It's like circling a giant snow globe and so desperately wanting to get in while knowing that it's impossible.

So, the first attempt happened before work today. My roommate took me to the address I was given and sure enough, we can't find it. Not only can we not find it, we are led to an exit on the highway instead of the parking lot of a towing company. We take the exit, seeing as it is our only option, and decide she will take me to work for now and I will try to figure out how to get it later. I keep hearing the guy's voice in my head, "You have until 12:01 tonight or the charge goes up $10."

It's now 8:15pm, and I still don't have my car. I got off of work, made a few phone calls and realized the reason most other people don't get towed is because they don't have cars. I'm tempted to leave it there, but I'm sure it could be used for something more enjoyable like a derby demolition.

I'm not too thrilled about the thought of taking the train and walking down Lower Wacker late at night, by myself, but I keep it in the back of my mind as a last resort.

And for now, I wait. I've left a few messages for people, scolding them for screening my phone call and then asking them to do me a favor. Hopefully they will feel touched by my sincerity and jump at the thought of taking me across town to lower hell.

I don't really have a point to this story, other than to say I agree with what that person told me... "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it." Yea, it's frustrating to have to figure all of this out, but it's not a crisis and it's not out of my control. I have a slight headache, but for the most part I'm really not too worried about it, and it didn't ruin my day. Take that, city of Chicago, I hope you use my money wisely!

I guess it's also important for me to make one other point of this story for the sake of sounding responsible, since there are people who trust me with their children...

NEVER park in a tow zone... no matter how special you think you are.

singing with sam

I'm trying to fall asleep and ignore the fact that my favorite hoodie smells like burnt coffee, but it's too potent to ignore. I never should have worn that thing to work. I take it off and chuck it across my room hoping I won't smell it from over there.

I'm having trouble sleeping at night these days... or nights, I guess I should say. I find no trouble in falling asleep during the day, except for the fact that the day wasn't meant to be slept through... unless you're an owl, or perhaps a bear during the winter.

As odd as this may sound, I went to the bathroom the other day and thought about what it would be like to be a bear. Nothing about going to the bathroom particularly gave me this thought, just the mere act of sitting down (as girls do when they pee, let's clarify) made me wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until it's warm and sunny outside.

"I kinda wish I was a bear," I thought to myself. "I bet they don't struggle with seasonal affective disorder because they sleep through the most dark and depressing time of the year. I wish I could sleep through winter. Especially this winter. This has been a hard winter."

I flush my thoughts away along with tinkle town and I go on with my day.

But I keep coming back to this thought... "I wish I was a bear. I wish I could sleep through all of winter and then nobody would bother me about how I'm sleeping too much because I'd be a bear and it would be normal."

I sleep a lot. Mostly during the day. Some people say I'm stuck on a bad sleep cycle and I just need to break it. Some people suggest I should get my thyroids checked or be tested for anemia. And some people think I'm just lazy. The people I work with joke around and say I party too much which is why I'm always tired at work. I laugh it off because they and I both know it's not true, but sometimes I wish it was just for the mere fact that there would be a reason for why I am so tired all the time.

I keep hoping that when the season changes, something in me will change too. I don't even know what it is, I just know that something needs to change. I'm not who I was. And not in a cheesy Christian song written by Brandon Heath kind of way, or in a "I once was lost, but now am found" kind of way, but in a way that has brought me here to a place of almost hopelessness and begging "Lord, please, give me the joy of my salvation!"

"I've found you, but I'm still lost. I've been set free, yet I'm stuck again. I know you are good, but I've lost sight of your goodness. I don't feel you, see you, hear you, or know you anymore, but I know you are there. Where, God, where is the joy of my salvation?

But more importantly...

Where are you?"

I'm OK with asking these questions. The problem comes when it's my turn to listen for the answers. I don't listen. I sleep.

Sunday was the one year memorial of the death of a friend who took her life last March. I tried not to think about it. Instead, I slept. It's not the answer, but it's easier. And when going through a season of apathy, unfortunately I settle for whatever is the easiest.

I looked up the word apathy on dictionary.com and I found my name. OK, not really, but I found what best describes how I have felt about life for some time now...

Apathy:

1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.

2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting
3. freedom from emotion of any kind.

Freedom? I used to beg for freedom... freedom from addictions, from bondage, from people pleasing, from abusive relationships, from self hatred, from anger, from depression, the list goes on...

I used to beg and plea for freedom and time and time again God has set me free, and yet instead of being thankful I find myself here... free from emotion of any kind.

Apathetic instead of thankful.

I don't want that kind of freedom... freedom from emotion. I want freedom from apathy, even if it means dealing with the hard stuff and squirming in the discomfort of facing it head on.

Something in me has to change, and I think it's bigger than the weather.

The time for excuses is almost over. I say almost because, let's be honest, freedom form apathy isn't that easy. Coming to the realization of the need for change is different than the actual process of making change happen (yes, who can, Mr. Obama?).

Change is not instant, and it's not easy. I still want to make excuses, and I'm frustrated at the thought of giving up those excuses... I still want whats easy, I won't lie about that.

But truth be told, as comfortable as my excuses make me, I'm not happy. I'm just comfortable. What a boring life! The absolute last thing I would ever want my obituary to read is "she led a comfortable life."

And with that thought, seeing as it's almost 3am, I realize it's time for me to get up, get off the couch,

and go to bed.