being reminded...

I just felt the need to re-post this, as a reminder to myself. It's hard for me to believe this was almost 3 years ago, and yet I still find myself handing back the pen I grabbed from God's hand and asking Him again to write my story.

Monday, February 25, 2008

applicant need not apply

I want so badly to write, but something is just completely blocking me. It's like I can't get the words to come out. They refuse.

I can literally feel a wall inside my chest and the words from my heart are trying so hard to jump over it, but they just can't make it. It's too high... and getting higher. I almost feel like the higher the wall gets, the less I can breath.

It's a slow and painful death not doing what you were created to do.

I don't know if I know exactly what I was created to do yet, but I know it involves a message I was created to share.

But this wall... everything is stuck behind this wall. How do I get over it? How do I tear it down? How do I even begin the process of chipping away at it?

I can't do it. I can't. I'm too tired, and I don't have the energy anymore. I used to want someone to chip at it for me. I thought it meant I was worth something if I was worth getting through the wall to get to. I realize my wall has allowed me to shut people out... most of which respond the same way... they don't respond at all. They give up. They walk away, and I build my wall higher.

But...

My family. I can't say the same for my family. They've never given up. I've given them plenty of reason to, but no matter how high I build that wall, they know I'm back there, and they refuse to leave me alone without ever being known.

They want to know me. Wow. They want to know me.

I'm starting to realize that I can't chip the wall down by myself... but I realize someone else can't do it for me, so what's the answer?

I think it's to meet in the middle. I think God wants to give me the strength to chip away from my side, and the someone elses strength to chip away from their side, and together we tear down that wall... by God's strength.

Lord, I don't want to hide behind my wall anymore... but I can't tear it down by myself... and I don't want someone to do it for me... so I just pray for people in my life who are willing to meet me half way.


..........................................

Hahaha... ok... so I started to write that last night, and even though there is total truth to it, I was mostly just feeling sorry for myself (there at the end) and didn't know how to reach out for help, so I figured if I could manipulate people through my writing, people would reach out to me.

What God has done in me since then is remninded me... He's got it. God's got it. God's got me. He's got me!

Wow. It all makes me smile and laugh and sing at the same time!

Me manipulating people is not trusting God. Me manipulating people is taking the pen from God's hand and writing my own story... with my own motives, my own intentions, and my own ending in sight. But that's just it... when I write my story, I like the beginning, as most of us do when we start to take control, but since it's me writing and not God, the ending is tragic.

I'm tired of having tragic endings due to selfish beginnings. And this is where I hand the pen back and say "God... please.... write my story!"

God is tearing down that wall. So I'm going to stop handing out applications for His position and allow Him to be exactly who He is... God.

dancing again

I moved into a new place today. It's another temporary place, but this time with an end to "temporary" in sight. Come January 8th, 2011, I will finally have a place to call home in Portland, Oregon. It's been a rough start in this city, rougher than I could have imagined. Maybe it's because I'm still right in the middle of it, living out of suitcases and boxes, so the emotions are still very fresh and intense, but the last 2 and a half months have been some of the hardest I think I have been through in a while.

While moving some of my stuff today, I started sorting through some boxes and pulled out some old journals. I could literally feel all of the emotions I poured out on those pages over the last 3 years of my life. I sat on the hardwood floor of this cute little studio apartment, and just cried and thanked God for how far He has brought me... again.

I tucked my journals away, reminded myself that the pain from those pages were over, put the current pain I am now facing aside, popped in a favorite mixed CD, and just danced. I danced like I haven't danced in a long time. OK, that's not totally true, I danced Saturday night, and maybe that was the catalyst for tonight's dance, but before Saturday, it had been a while since I found myself dancing.

I think that's a good sign... dancing. I think it means, for me, that I am remembering that God has got me. When things get tough I rest in that truth, but when things start to fall into place and I see or feel a glimpse of hope, I dance in it! The good and the bad, God is with me through it all, and I respond to it in different ways, some good, some bad, but none the less, God deals with my responses and He sticks with me... through it all. The last few months I've just been clinging to Him, with no energy left to do much else.

Tonight, we danced.

Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness. For seeing me through this hard time. For providing more than enough, even when I wasn't able to see or acknowledge it. Thank You for fighting for me, and with me. Thank You for not giving up on me, even when I yelled at You that night in the car. Thank You for loving me, and not the way people love pizza or the way I love Dean Martin, but purely, recklessly, abundantly and unabashedly loving me. I could never have done or be doing this without You.

Thank You that I get to go home next week and visit with family and friends... something I've been longing for since I moved here.

And thank You that when I come back, I can put away the suitcases, recycle the boxes, do a little dance, and finally be at home...

in Portland, Oregon.