enough said.

keeping track

9:35pm
I'm just going to stare at the computer screen until I can think of what it is that I so badly want to write about.

9:41
Why do I feel so sad? Not just sad, but so sad. Maybe I should have gone out with my roommates. I didn't feel like being social. I live in downtown Chicago and I'm just sitting in my room, staring at a computer screen.

9:52
I think maybe I'll lie down for a bit.

10:05
That didn't help. Now I'm crying.

an apostrophe

hard day.
feeling tired.

i wanted to write,
but all i could think about was this picture.


i wonder if you see it.

if not,
it's ok.

but now i'm curious...
if you don't see it, do you see anything?



hmmm...
i think maybe i just made an assumption instead of asking a real question.
i'm sorry.
can i start over?






hard day.
feeling tired.

i wanted to write,
but all i could think about was this picture

and how much i would really like to know...




what do you see?

eight

I'm trying to untie the laces of my worried shoes.
They're so pretty, but I don't want to wear them anymore.
I feel like I've walked for miles and miles and miles.

It's been a long time since I've looked,
but I found my brown sneakers today.
They're old and worn out, but they fit perfectly.

I put my worried shoes on a shelf in my closet,
and I shut the door.

I put on my brown sneakers,
and though I didn't feel as pretty,
I felt better without the weight of the worry.

I wear a size eight if anyone is looking to borrow a pair of shoes...
though honestly,
I don't recommend them.

Worried shoes are never as comfortable as they look.

father and son

Father:
Its not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,
To be calm when youve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything youve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

Son:
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
Its always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father:
Its not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.
(son-- away away away, I know I have to
Make this decision alone - no)

Son:
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
Its hard, but its harder to ignore it.
If they were right, Id agree, but its them you know not me.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
(father-- stay stay stay, why must you go and
Make this decision alone? )








I guess this song made me wonder...

are any of us listening?

Never...

After growing up a preacher's kid and graduating from college, there are 2 things I said I would never do...



I said I would never go back to school.

And I would never never go into ministry.


I start classes next Week at Moody Bible Institute for the graduate program in Intercultural Studies.


Hah!


God has a sense of humor... and has recently reminded me of a childhood friend I should have learned a lesson from...


"NEVER SAY NEVER!"




Thank you, Fievel. I can't wait to see what happens when we go West!

sort of full of

I went running today.

Let me rephrase that...

I went for a walk today, and on my walk I decided to run a little.

Toward the end of my walk/run it started to rain, and it was beautiful.

I was close to home, but instead of turning back toward the house I kept walking straight, further away from having a roof over my head. I just had the desire to keep moving, and I didn't want the rain to stop me. Quite the opposite, infact, I invited the rain... it felt amazing!

At first I just started moving my arms, waving them back and forth, but before I knew it I was all out dancing.

I walked/skipped to an empty park, and huge trees were at my disposal to hide under, but I kept finding myself out in the open, dancing in the rain...

and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was living abundantly.

Simple as that.

It didn't require an extravagant vacation, or a famous charity to donate lots of money to. It didn't require performing for hundreds of people, or publishing a book. I didn't have to go to Africa to feel alive, a thought I struggle with often.

Nope.

I realized that by just hoping to live an abundant life, I've been missing out on the opportunity to actually live it.

Maybe one day I'll be able to travel the world, or play my music in front of lots of people... a life I hope to live. But in the mean time, I have a life to live... everyday... in the ordinary, in the small things.

As I started to walk/jog a little back home, I noticed the people driving by. I could tell by the expressions on their faces that they felt sorry for me. When they saw me soaking wet on the side of the road I could almost hear them blurt out, "sucks for you!"

It's funny, because that was my exact thought when I saw them sitting there all nice and dry in their big fancy cars. They had no idea what it felt like in that moment to feel the rain, and I genuinely felt sorry for them.

I walked and stood under a tree for a bit to catch my breath, and I just smiled. I smiled and I said to myself, "so this is what it is... to live... to really live."

Most people know I've struggled with depression for a long time (something I openly talk about in the past tense). What they don't know is that depression remains a current struggle in my life that I feel somewhat embarrassed to talk about. Even now I'm debating as to whether or not I should erase this paragraph, knowing there is a stigma associated with depression that I don't want to be associated with. But then I think about my time today, and I realize I don't care.

I don't care what people think when they see me dancing in the rain. Nor do I care what people think when they see me take my medication. I experience lows, yes, absolutely. But I've started to realize that it's in those lows that I experience my God holding me, and telling me how much He loves me. It's in those lows that I've actually stopped long enough to listen to His voice, which really makes it not a low at all.

So what purpose has depression served in my life... to be a blessing or a curse? To be honest, I don't know. Sometimes I think a little of both. But instead of trying to figure it out, I'm just going to live my life... one day at a time.

Today I lived my life out in the rain instead of hiding under my covers.

Thank you, Lord, for such a time as this.