goodnight moon

I'm isolating right now. I don't even know if I know why, I just know I am.

My aunt and uncle are upstairs... maybe watching tv... maybe they've gone to bed... I don't know... I've been down in my room for hours.

I feel safe here. Safe from the world. Safe from people. Safe from being exposed. Safe from being hurt. I just feel safe.

So what do I do? I hide here.

I think alone time is good... but like food, exercise, and the color pink... only in moderation.

My alone time has become my hiding place.

But so has my busy-ness. It's just as easy to hide in the busy-ness as it is to hide in the quiet.

If I stay busy I don't have to think. I don't have to process. I don't even have to feel. I just keep going. Lately I've just been going... not living... going. Going through life instead of living it.

And when I'm not going, I'm hiding. I don't know if the hiding is a result of the going, or if the going is a result of the hiding. Maybe it's just a vicious cycle to which neither one is to blame, but both of which need addressing.

I was going to address it by writing something motivational... like doing something about it... but honestly, I'm tired right now. And I don't feel very motivated. And the most freeing thing is knowing that that is OK. And I am OK... because that is just where I am today.

A very wise friend once said to me...

"you have to allow yourself to be where you are today in order to be where you need to be tomorrow."

Thank you wise friend.

Tomorrow, or maybe the next day, or maybe just when I'm where I need to be, I'll write about living life to the full. Living life... not just going through it. Because ultimately... that's what I want... even in the tiring, unmotivating moments... I want to really live life. And that's not me trying to be strong or prove myself, that's just me saying here I am right now... in this moment. But I'm not stuck in it, because it's in these tough moments that grow me into the person I am going to be.

Is this justifying isolation? I don't know. Maybe. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what my motives are right now. By tomorrow morning I could feel amazing and blog about what a wimp I was the night before. But the reality is, feeling down doesn't make me a wimp no more than a year's worth of recovery makes me cured. I can pride myself on how well I am doing... but the reality is... it's still hard... and that's OK. Reality is not defined by my emotions. Reality is what is. Recovery does not mean perfection. Recovery means making a choice. And I have made a choice... even in the tiring, unmotivating moments... I have made a choice.


Thank you wise friend...


and goodnight moon.