I...

I cry myself to sleep every night.

Sometimes I know why, and sometimes I don't.

Crying has become a comfort zone, and not just because I'm female.

There are many different reasons why I cry, and I'll cry for those different reasons on different nights.

I cry for the homeless children in Africa.

I cry for the 100s of thousands of people who were killed in genocides all over. I cry for their families, and their traumatizing experiences.

I cry for my family and their own struggles.

I cry for my ex-boyfriend who continues to let alcohol govern his life.

I cry because I know so many people love me, but I feel so alone.

I cry for the girls I met in treatment.

I cry because they are such amazing, beautiful people, and yet they have no idea.

I cry for girls I don't even know, who I know are struggling with eating disorders.

I cry for my friend who was doing so well in recovery, and now because of one slip, can't get back on track.

I cry because I am scared for her. What if she is the 1 out of 5 girls who dies from an eating disorder?

I cry for middle and high school girls who have no idea what life is really all about.

I cry for young girls with boyfriends, short skirts, and high heels.

I cry for my 14 yr-old self and wanting so badly to go back and help her. I cry for 14 yr-old girls now and pray they don't make a go at life the way I did.

I often cry for other people. I cry because I want to help them and I don't know how or where to start.

I cry because I want to help people so badly, yet I can't even help myself.

Which is why I cried last night. Hard.

I cried because I'm tried of recovery. I'm tired of having to try hard every day. I'm tired of the world in which we live and feeling like I can do nothing to change it. I cried because I feel like I am useless and just no good. I cried because I am tired of messing up and breaking God's heart. Last night was the most intense I have felt in my sorrows. I told God I was too tired and just asked him to please take me home. Just to rest. I can't keep up.

I honestly think that right now the only thing that keeps me motivated are the people I am surrounded by and the attention they give me.

Recovery is hard, but I love the attention. Though my motives are selfish, the more people that know, the less I can hide. Which is why I love the attention and I hate it at the same time. I love how it makes me feel, but I hate that it holds me accountable.

Last night the attention wasn't enough to convince me my recovery was worth it. I cried so hard and I felt like it was never going to end. I felt stuck. I felt worthless.

Fortunately I fell into a deep sleep. A little too deep because I had a hard time getting up early for work.

I went in to the cafe to work this morning and around 8am Pam came in. I don't even know Pam's last name. I know she goes to the church, has a women's group on Tuesday mornings, and likes cream in her coffee (I think). We usually make small talk, but nothing too deep.

Pam came right up to the counter and said "JJ, I have just been praying for you all morning. God has really put you on my heart this morning and I just had to pray for you. I even had to write you a note, so here..."

I read the note...

"JJ- I'm praying for you! Sometimes when we share our testimony Satan tries to beat us down with the distractions of life! Keep fixing your eyes on Jesus- His arms are open! In His Love, Pam"

What can I even say after that? Even that makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

How? How can God love me so much?

At the end of Pam's note she said for me to check out a video on Godtube. God must really want me to get the message this video is sending, because it's the 3rd time someone has shared it with me. And each time is just as powerful as before.

Which is why I want to share it with you...


http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5


I am genuinely usually doing pretty well during the day. I like to laugh and have fun and make people smile... that's real. But night time is also very real too. The pain is real. The tears are real. And the feelings are intense. But I don't think that's always a bad thing. I feel like God gives me a taste of what it's like to just hurt for the people He loves. People like me, who know that God loves them, but don't believe they are really good enough to be loved.