Brandi Carlile

I think it's funny when I get phone calls from people and they ask if I still like church. It's usually people that know me real well, like family, because they know I go through phases, and maybe are wondering how long this church one is going to last. I've gone through the church phase before, so the fact that I am in church may not be such a suprise, but the fact that I keep going even suprises myself.


Let me rephrase that...


The fact that I keep going because I really want to go suprises me.


Growing up as a preacher's kid, you learn to go to church whether you really want to or not. Rebelling as a preacher's kid, you learn you have your own choices and will one day face a decision... do I really believe this, and despite what my parents want for my life, do I want to live my life this way?


Honestly, it's been hard for me to break away from my parent's faith. Probably because we share the same faith... but I'm trying to learn how to make that faith my own and not just something I was raised to believe.


It's hard.


It's hard because I have something engrained into who I am that I've tried to break away from yet tried to find at the same time.


I wonder if God is actually asking me to do either, or if this is just another expectation I have put on myself.


It's like I have this unwritten list of things I need to accomplish...

#1 Recover
#2 Know God
#3 Make God #1


I expect myself to do these things and to do so in a timely manner... as if it's a certain point I'm trying to get to. A point of accomplishment, a point of perfection, a point of complete obedience to God.


A point that is non existant. So if it doesn't exist, why am I trying so hard?


I'm trying to get past the hard stuff to the place where I look back and say "oh yea, remember those days, they were tough, but I made it!"


I realize in my attempt to try and get past the hard stuff, I'm attempting to get past life itself. I'm not living it, I'm trying to get through it.


The "point" that I wrote about is a place I believe I will get to, but not here. Not while I'm alive. Not while I'm human. And certainly not while I'm JJ (or Jennie Joy or just Jennie, or whatever name anyone knows me by).


By trying to get through this life, I am trying to hurry up get to the next one. And believe me, I want to go to Heaven, but in all honesty I don't necessarily want to go right now. SO much of my recovery is about wanting to live, and not just one day in heaven, but here and now. Not just getting through this life, but living it!


I was sitting by the river yesterday listening to my favorite singer. I love nature, but the silence is so loud. I had a revelation from the words of her music...

"I'm going to live until I die!"