whatever

I made a commitment back in October to not date for a year. I know. I, myself, used to make fun of such an idea.

But the question isn't whether or not it's a good idea, but what is the motivation behind it?

For me, I was proud to announce that my motivation to make such a commitment was to get to know God more, and develop our relationship, and myself, and discover what God has for me... actually, that's if a Christian or someone from church asked, then I was proud to give such an answer. To be honest, I think I was so proud that I didn't even wait to be asked, I just slipped it into casual conversation as an FYI.

I don't even think people outside of church knew I made such a commitment. It's easy for me to boast of Christ behind the church doors. I've done it all my life. The hard part is when it's time to boast outside of those doors. Living "outside of the box" (literally) has taken on a whole new meaning to me.

So in all honesty... motivation #1... I want people to think I'm great. And in my mind I must have to do something in order for people to feel that way about me. Why do I keep trying to do all these things to make me a better person? And why do I care so much? I feel like that frustrates me more than anything... how much I care about what other people think.

And motivation #2... it's a defense mechanism. Most people who know me know that I don't really date in the first place... but not really on purpose... kinda by default. I know that I am at a place in my life where I don't need to be involved in a relationship or anything, but there comes a time in a girl's life where regardless of what she needs, she atleast wants to feel desirable. Which is where I find myself.

While in my eating disorder I lost all intrest in the idea of relationships... especially romantic ones. I could not comprehend what intimacy meant, emotionally or physically. I was in such a different mental state that the idea of of even being touched literally discusted me. I lost contact with a lot of friends, and I lost any type of feeling that invovled anyone other than myself.

The more I work my way into recovery, the more I find myself getting those feelings back, those desires back. My inital reaction is that it is wrong to feel that way, but it's not. It's normal. It's life. It's human... something I try so hard not to be sometimes (because I try so hard to be perfect).

So, since I have those desires, but they don't seem to be returned, I protect myself. Instead of facing my fear that I may not be desirable, I put up a guard. A wall. A barrier, with a spiritual disquise so that not only can I protect myself, I can be thought of as great in the process... maybe even desirable.

I don't have to face any form of rejection because I have already placed the restriction "well, I'm not dating anyway." It no longer matters if someone likes me or not because I beat them to it. I made the decision not to be available. I took control.

I took control... away from God.

Again.

So how do I give it back? How do I, once again, let it go?

What do I need to do?

I think once again God's answer is... "nothing."

He's asking me to live. He's asking me to be.


Yes... Again.

So it's not that I'm making a commitment or taking back a commitment or trying to figure out what I need to do in order to please God (and others)... I'm just going to live and see where God takes me. I'm just going to be and see what happens in the process. The Beatles once sang that "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Every time I make plans, life happens. Every time I make plans, God butts in... in a polite way, but none the less he interupts my way of doing things.

Thank God.



So basically what I'm trying to say is... "whatever!"

Which is exactly what I say when I throw my hands up and let it go.



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(if you're wondering what I decided to do about that commitment... I didn't decide to do anything. I decided to live my life.)