coffee?

I've had a real writer's block the last few weeks. I've started to write many different entries, but can never seem to finish. Either that or I can't seem to make a point, or even understand my point for that matter.

I've been distracted, and I've tried to write in the midst of that distraction, but it doesn't work, it only distracts me from writing. So if I want to write, I have to write about what it is that is distracting me.

Ugh.

I realize I don't have to share this with the public, I could just as easily journal about it and no one would need to know. But there's something really freeing about being real with people. It's like "hey, here I am, this is me!" And it's freeing because you realize people like you for you, even in all your mess, and not for who you pretend to be.

Even now, I can feel myself wanting to stop writing because I don't want to be vulnerable, but I'm tired of not being vulnerable. I'm tired of not taking risks. I realize this is just a blog and not the New York Times, and even though I think the world of myself, the world doesn't think much of me. However... it's still a risk to post how you really feel.

I could just as easily post what I did yesterday or this past weekend, but it wouldn't match up with what was really going on yesterday or this past weekend... because even though I was physically present in certain places, my mind was else where.

So in an attempt to clear my head, this is where I was this weekend... even though I took part in some amazing stuff... volunteering at Bardwell with friends, dinner at the Jon Fergusons with my best friend, a concert with an old family friend... this is where I was this weekend...

I thought about this guy.

This guy that technically I don't even know, but he intersts me... and I want the chance to get to know him. Don't get me wrong, I know him enough to be interested in him, but not enough to actually know him. To know if it's him that I like, or the idea of him. The idea I have of him is great. But I wonder if that's really him.

We've said hey a few times and enjoyed small talk... atleast I have... but as far as I know, it's me with the interest and not him.

People ask how I know he's not interested, and it's not that I know, but as a girl it's like you have this understanding that if a guy is interested in you, he shows you, shy or not. He asks you to coffee, he shows up where you work, he makes an effort to show that he's making an effort to get to know you.

In all pathetic honesty, I sometimes wonder if he'll show up where I work, whether it be Ground Level Cafe or Starbucks, and ask me to coffee. Yes, coffee... eventhough I work in a coffee shop. And it doesn't even have to be Starbucks coffee, or any certain kind for that matter. You know why? Cause it's not about the coffee. I'm not interested in being taken out to a fancy dinner or a romantic movie. I'm not interested in being impressed. I'm not even interested in the coffee for that matter. I'm interested in who he is. I'm interested in getting to know him. Great conversation makes for good coffee no matter where you are. The opportunity to just sit and form a friendship. Who forms a frienship staring at a big screen for an hour and a half?

.........

uhhh.....

.........

Writer's block...

it's back.




which means I'll be back...

but that's as far as my honesty extends for now.