applicant need not apply

I want so badly to write, but something is just completely blocking me. It's like I can't get the words to come out. They refuse.


I can literally feel a wall inside my chest and the words from my heart are trying so hard to jump over it, but they just can't make it. It's too high... and getting higher. I almost feel like the higher the wall gets, the less I can breath.


It's a slow and painful death not doing what you were created to do.


I don't know if I know exactly what I was created to do yet, but I know it involves a message I was created to share.


But this wall... everything is stuck behind this wall. How do I get over it? How do I tear it down? How do I even begin the process of chipping away at it?


I can't do it. I can't. I'm too tired, and I don't have the energy anymore. I used to want someone to chip at it for me. I thought it meant I was worth something if I was worth getting through the wall to get to. I realize my wall has allowed me to shut people out... most of which respond the same way... they don't respond at all. They give up. They walk away, and I build my wall higher.


But...


My family. I can't say the same for my family. They've never given up. I've given them plenty of reason to, but no matter how high I build that wall, they know I'm back there, and they refuse to leave me alone without ever being known.


They want to know me. Wow. They want to know me.


I'm starting to realize that I can't chip the wall down by myself... but I realize someone else can't do it for me, so what's the answer?


I think it's to meet in the middle. I think God wants to give me the strength to chip away from my side, and the someone elses strength to chip away from their side, and together we tear down that wall... by God's strength.


Lord, I don't want to hide behind my wall anymore... but I can't tear it down by myself... and I don't want someone to do it for me... so I just pray for people in my life who are willing to meet me half way.


..........................................

Hahaha... ok... so I started to write that last night, and even though there is total truth to it, I was mostly just feeling sorry for myself (there at the end) and didn't know how to reach out for help, so I figured if I could manipulate people through my writing, people would reach out to me.

What God has done in me since then is remninded me... He's got it. God's got it. God's got me. He's got me!

Wow. It all makes me smile and laugh and sing at the same time!

Me manipulating people is not trusting God. Me manipulating people is taking the pen from God's hand and writing my own story... with my own motives, my own intentions, and my own ending in sight. But that's just it... when I write my story, I like the beginning, as most of us do when we start to take control, but since it's me writing and not God, the ending is tragic.

I'm tired of having tragic endings due to selfish beginnings. And this is where I hand the pen back and say "God... please.... write my story!"

God is tearing down that wall. So I'm going to stop handing out applications for His position and allow Him to be exactly who He is... God.

it passed

the fear...

it passed.

So what I am about to post I wrote fairly recently, but I was afraid to share it. I realize that I am totally OK with exposing myself until it involves how I feel about someone else. That's where the door closes, the wall rises, and the hiding takes place.

In all honesty, I wasn't afraid for anyone to see it other than the person it was about.

But I'm tired of compartmentalizing what I hide. Yea, I want people to like me and think that I'm great, but if I'm hiding something or pretending, it's not really me they like, it's the idea they have of me. I'd rather expose who I really am, and when people see any good in me at all, they can know it is God, and not me.

Hiding how you feel. Hmmm... is that really trusting God? Brandi Carlile wrote a phenomenal song called "Hiding My Heart Away." It's amazing how well songwriters can know our hearts. She knew mine when she wrote this song... at least most of it. The song is about an accidental encounter with someone who completely caught her off guard and blew her away. She talks about wanting to know this person more, and it seems it is going to go in that direction, until the chorus ends with these last lines...
"But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away."

She's going to spend the rest of her life protecting herself. Wow... that song used to be me. And wow... that I can say "used" to be. I mean, the pain and the loss I've experienced, but I refuse to allow my song to end like that. I refuse to let the hurt dictate how I am going to live the rest of my life. People come and people go. I've learned this. God gives and God takes away. I learned this. There is laughter and there is tears. I've learned this. To sum it all up, I've learned that there are a lot of "and"s in life, and not so many "or"s... meaning you can't have one without the other. If you avoid the pain, you avoid the joy. If you avoid the risk, you avoid the adventure.

And again I remind myself that I chose life... abundant life... which means experiencing more than one emotion... which means trusting a God that I can't see nor even understand most of the time, but knowing without a shadow of a doubt that He is for me, and He is good.

So about that post... I guess it's easier to post something that I wrote in the past because I can always hide behind the fact that it's in the past, and who knows if I still really feel the same way or not.

Exposed, but still hiding... I'm not as brave as you thought.

Oh well. God didn't do it all in one day... I don't need to think I am better than Him.

Baby steps.

Step 1... post it.

....................................................................


Guys and girls… friends?

What does that look like?

Not just any guy and girl… but a guy and a girl who both have a deeper connection with each other beyond physical characteristics or outward appearances. A guy and a girl who laugh with life while laughing at it. A guy and a girl who both possess a passion to pursue a life meant to be lived beyond what the world expects of them. A guy and a girl who love the same God, experience Him differently, misunderstand His goodness, but want so desperately to trust His heart with theirs.

What does it look like for that guy and that girl to simply be friends… and nothing more?

I can’t speak for that guy, but I can speak for that girl…

For that girl, it looks scary. Scary because she realizes she is faced with a decision… a commitment… a sacrifice…

Is she going to trust Him? Not the guy… her God… is she going to trust Him?

When things are going good and the friendship seems to be heading in the right direction, yes, she can trust Him.

But when things are unclear and not going according to plan… her plan, she starts to wonder, can she trust Him?

Yes. She can. Still, she can. But it doesn't come easy. It comes as a choice. It comes based on fact, not on feeling… which is what makes it so hard… which is what makes it all seem so unclear… she doesn't feel it, but she believes it. To the flesh, it doesn't make sense.

She comes from a past where feelings defined reality. To live in reality based on choice and not on feeling is to live uncomfortably. Uncomfortable because she may feel hurt, but she is choosing to believe it is for a good reason. And again, it doesn't make sense.

It’s uncomfortable because she wants to be found, but He says it’s not time.

Uncomfortable because if it’s not time, then that means she has to wait.

Waiting is never comfortable.

Whether it be for a phone call, an honest answer, or just a sense of peace… before getting what you want, or in actuality, what you need, the waiting period is never comfortable.

So is that what this looks like… this friendship between this guy and this girl?

Uncomfortable?

Yes…

Sometimes.

Sometimes…

No.

Being uncomfortable means she is going to have to trust God, if that’s the choice she is going to make. Trusting God means she is going to have to choose to be uncomfortable, because that is the choice she has made...

An uncomfortable friendship that will test her faith, include as many downs as ups, require trust due to uncertainty, forgiveness due to brokenness, and patience due to waiting… a friendship with no guarantees except that character will be built in each individual; because whether good choices were made, or not, a lesson will be learned, a heart will be healed, and God’ purpose will be fulfilled.

ok ok ok

Writer's block.

Yes. We all know why. Because I'm distracted, and since I tend to write the best when I reveal my heart, I don't feel much up to writing.

But... I've got nothing else to do, so I might as well write... and since I'm writing, I might as well be honest.

This is what happens when you get bored... the truth comes out.

So here I go being honest again...





WHAT IS UP WITH U.S. POSTAL SERVICE? Seriously?

Light blue shirts with dark blue pants? ridiculous.





Ok... not really... unfortunately my thoughts and concerns are not as simple as something as arbitrary as the unifroms of the U.S. Postal Service. (I don't even know if that word fits, I just like it... arbitrary.)

So the question becomes... am I going to go there? Am I really going to go there? Am I going to explore the concerns of my heart and am I really going to share them with you? Are you even really going to read them? Will it really even matter? If not, what's the point?

After asking this question, I again realize that the point is not you. The point is not how you are affected (or not affected) by what I write. The point isn't even if you read this or not (and when I say "you," I mean anyone and everyone, not just you)... the point is God. The point is what God is doing in my life. The point is I can be who I am, and trust God with that. I can be totally insecure as a girl and totally put it out there and yet at the very same time, know that it it ok because my value lies in Christ. MY VALUE LIES IN CHRIST.

I think when I write about things from my eating disorder, to guys I like, to being a hypocrite, to whatever may expose who I really am, I think what I am really doing is trying to push that boundary that the world tells me I can't cross because of what other people may think.

More recently it seems I've been afraid to push that boundary, which would explain why I haven't written much. I don't have much to write about when I'm not being honest with who I really am.

Unforunately, this blog isn't going to end with me being courageous (how I usually feel after I write) and saying "look at me, I'm trusting God." It's going to end with me being human. It's going to end with me being scared. But it's going to end with me being fully aware that this is just this moment, and it is OK... because this too shall pass.

one year... oh yayer!

A night at Sher's... we realize it's 12 in the morning... it is officially February 5th... and I've done it... I've made it a whole year...

Well, like Bob Dylan said, "It ain't me, babe"... But God sure did bring me a long way! wow!