applicant need not apply

I want so badly to write, but something is just completely blocking me. It's like I can't get the words to come out. They refuse.


I can literally feel a wall inside my chest and the words from my heart are trying so hard to jump over it, but they just can't make it. It's too high... and getting higher. I almost feel like the higher the wall gets, the less I can breath.


It's a slow and painful death not doing what you were created to do.


I don't know if I know exactly what I was created to do yet, but I know it involves a message I was created to share.


But this wall... everything is stuck behind this wall. How do I get over it? How do I tear it down? How do I even begin the process of chipping away at it?


I can't do it. I can't. I'm too tired, and I don't have the energy anymore. I used to want someone to chip at it for me. I thought it meant I was worth something if I was worth getting through the wall to get to. I realize my wall has allowed me to shut people out... most of which respond the same way... they don't respond at all. They give up. They walk away, and I build my wall higher.


But...


My family. I can't say the same for my family. They've never given up. I've given them plenty of reason to, but no matter how high I build that wall, they know I'm back there, and they refuse to leave me alone without ever being known.


They want to know me. Wow. They want to know me.


I'm starting to realize that I can't chip the wall down by myself... but I realize someone else can't do it for me, so what's the answer?


I think it's to meet in the middle. I think God wants to give me the strength to chip away from my side, and the someone elses strength to chip away from their side, and together we tear down that wall... by God's strength.


Lord, I don't want to hide behind my wall anymore... but I can't tear it down by myself... and I don't want someone to do it for me... so I just pray for people in my life who are willing to meet me half way.


..........................................

Hahaha... ok... so I started to write that last night, and even though there is total truth to it, I was mostly just feeling sorry for myself (there at the end) and didn't know how to reach out for help, so I figured if I could manipulate people through my writing, people would reach out to me.

What God has done in me since then is remninded me... He's got it. God's got it. God's got me. He's got me!

Wow. It all makes me smile and laugh and sing at the same time!

Me manipulating people is not trusting God. Me manipulating people is taking the pen from God's hand and writing my own story... with my own motives, my own intentions, and my own ending in sight. But that's just it... when I write my story, I like the beginning, as most of us do when we start to take control, but since it's me writing and not God, the ending is tragic.

I'm tired of having tragic endings due to selfish beginnings. And this is where I hand the pen back and say "God... please.... write my story!"

God is tearing down that wall. So I'm going to stop handing out applications for His position and allow Him to be exactly who He is... God.