remembering... through His eyes

I met with my therapist last week. After telling her how tired I am of trying, of having to work so hard towards recovery, she asked me to go read some of my journal entries from when I was at Arabella. "Read about and remember the good times," she said. So I did.

I stumbled upon this one....

I wrote this the day after the candlelight vigil... the day I decided that life was worth living. This journal entry records me having that exact revelation and what exactly was going through my head. That night I sang for the first time in public, and it was an experience that changed my life. This journal entry is how I will always remember the good times... to remember that life is worth living... and a total gift.

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5/22/07

"So, as I said, last night was AMAZING! I really feel like God allowed me to see myself the way others see me, but more importantly, the way He sees me. Not once did I look around and compare myself to other girls. Not once did I analyze them and scale them up and down. I just saw them as BEAUTIFUL people. And that's the other thing... I really felt like God gave me a new definition of the word beautiful. It's the whole person. It's not just the exterior. It's the inside, it's the spirit, the personality, and it only makes the person that much more beautiful on the outside. Beauty isn't just this surfaced, external thing. It's not about fashion or make-up or how "good-looking" one can be. This word just has this whole new meaning to me... it's not a beautiful that the world understands. It's SO much more than that. Last night I felt beautiful, just for being me and who I am. I felt beautiful when I was singing, even though I messed up. I felt beautiful just being myself. And not only that, I felt worth it. I felt worth something. I felt worth living. And I wanted to live, not just to survive, but to live life... to the fullest... because I deserve to! And not because anybody told me I deserve to, but because I believe with all my heart that I deserve to.

The parents of Aubrey (who died from her eating disorder) spoke last night and really impacted me. After they spoke is when I realized my desire to live. Aubrey became so real to me when I saw her picture and her mom described her to me. She said she saw Aubrey up there when she saw me. She said Aubrey would have been the same as me up there with bare feet and sitting Indian style in the chair. When I read my poem she said she felt like Aubrey could have written that, and she knew those would have been Aubrey's words. This put my life into perspective... and seeing this beautiful girl and her grieving parents just broke my heart and really affected me. I cried the whole way through. I had to go up and sing after they spoke... all choked up, but it worked out really well. I just loved life last night. I loved it, and I was so happy to be alive, and be in recovery. I felt loved, and I felt like God loved me. I got a standing ovation for my poem. It was AMAZING!

I really feel like I was looking through different colored glasses last night... and I loved it. After the vigil was over and everyone left, we had the house community meeting in the driveway, on the ground, under the stars. It was awesome. We sat and each talked with Laura. I cried as Lissa shared her struggle from the weekend. It hurt to look at her and know that she has no idea how amazing she is. Maybe I got to feel a pinch of how God feels when he looks at us. We just have no idea. He knows we are so wonderfully made and it breaks his heart we just can't see that. It broke my heart to look at those girls last night and see and know how beautiful they are and know they couldn't see it themselves. I love seeing people as beautiful! Not good-looking, dressed nice, or perfectly shaped, just beautiful!"