the binge

I wrote this entry over a week ago, but never finished it.

I still don't even know if it's done, but I have another story to tell, and in order to do so, you need the information from part one.

This would be part one...

..........................

I'm a binge writer.

I'll go for days, even weeks without writing, but then the second I start to write down what I'm thinking, I can't stop.

I'll be late for work, I'll ignore my cell phone, my coffee will turn cold, my bladder will be borderline exploding, but I won't care... all because I'm writing.


Being in recovery from an eating disorder, as well as being all to familiar with binge drinkers, I'll take binge writing any day.

I am grateful for my form of binging.

I never thought I would say that.


So, right now I am on a writing binge and I just want to write... I don't know what about, but we'll find out.



The problem is... binge writing and writer's block don't mix very well. I've already erased two different stories.

I feel stuck.



Well, maybe this one will lighten the mood...






Monday night, one week ago, I was asked out on a date.

The guy was my waiter, and to give him credit, he waited until the second time I went to the restaurant to ask me out.

The first time he was my friend and I's waiter he intrigued me, but not in a "he's my type" kind of way. He was wearing a tee shirt that was borderline too small for him and it said "The Second City," so I told him I liked it. I asked if he was a big fan since he was sporting the tee shirt (Second City is a comedy club in Chicago), and his response was "actually, I teach there."

Apparently, he taught improv, but as the night when on I wondered exactly what kind of improv he taught because he didn't laugh at any of my jokes.

I held up a ketchup bottle and said I would catch up with him later.

HAH... OK, NO... I didn't really do that. But the thought of it in my head made me laugh out loud.

(I got that joke from my mom... she's full of them)

But seriously, I did notice that he had a really dry sense of humor... and there's nothing wrong with having a (really) dry sense of humor, it's just different... like the British.

He made fun of me for working at Starbucks, and I don't know who told him that boys still make fun of girls to show them that they like them, but it's not true.

When my friend and I left, she left the tip and I left him the famous "Green Apron" book, which is a little booklet you receive when you become a partner at Starbucks to learn how to treat the customers.

Why I had that little booklet in my bag is beyond me. It's not something we carry around at the store trying to figure out how to talk to people. The routine is usually to get the book, flip through, maybe read some of it, if you're a girl, and then throw it away.

I don't think I'm supposed to say that, but let's be honest, how many partners still have their green apron books?

And that was that.

We said goodnight, and we left.

Round two...

Last Monday.

Same restaurant, different waiter. We order dinner and 10 minutes later our funny little friend comes walking in to start his shift. Apparently he's a closer. Without looking at him, I can see him looking over at our table. He walks up, and sits down beside me.

"Well hello JJ"

"Well hello (insert made up name here)"

"I liked the little book you left me, except I was disappointed."

"Why? You didn't get some pointers from it?"

"No, I was disappointed cause it didn't have your number in it."

I laughed. "What?... no... it's not that easy."

I love interactions with guys who are so used to girls throwing themselves at them because it is so awkward... for them.

He said he was embarrassed, which caught my attention because usually I'm the one saying "awkward" or "embarrassing," so I gave him credit for being honest.

My friend and I continued our dinner and had a few more interactions with him through out the night. I think I thought he was funny, or maybe I just liked that he was paying me attention.

Anyway, I got caught up in the attention, and I have been told that I am quite naive, so the combination of the two never seems to mix too well.

When we started to leave he asked what I was doing tomorrow night.

I knew I had to do something, but I couldn't for the life of me think of what it was.

I told myself I would figure it out later... "nothing."

"Do you want to go out?"

I said sure and he proceeded to tell me he would give me his number and I could call him tomorrow.

Wow, really, can I? Can I have that privilege?

I looked at him like he was kind of crazy and was like "you give me your number and I can call you?"

What guy asks a girl out and then gives her his phone number so that she can be the one to call him? I know this is 2008, but seriously, where are all the gentlemen?

He then came up with the idea that we should switch numbers, and I said that was fine... that we could meet in the middle (wimp).

Before we leave, I ask him his last name. He tells me, then asks why.

"In case I turn up missing tomorrow night my friends will know who to look for."

He didn't laugh.

Note to self: don't express a fear of being kidnapped by the person asking you out, even if you are joking. If they don't know you, it's a little weird.

He said he would call me tomorrow and that was that.

Here's what is going through my head when this guy, who I don't know, is asking me to go out...

"OK, I don't know him, but cool, we can get to know each other, maybe get coffee, talk about life. I wonder if he's a believer. If not, I wonder what he believes. I wonder if we will even have that conversation. I know I'm definitely not telling him my story. I don't get that vibe from him, but if we become friends maybe I'll tell him. I'd like to have a good guy friend. I wonder if he wants to be friends."

Seriously... two interactions with this guy and all of this is already going through my head.

To be honest, most girls usually think even further ahead than that when they are actually really interested in the guy... but we won't go there.

So, I'm thinking, I know that the "click" isn't really there with this guy, but it'd be cool to be friends with him.

Naive, right?

After he called the next day and I said I couldn't go out because I had remembered my prior commitment, we agreed to do it another night.

Two days later, he calls again.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned, but he lives in the city. I live in Naperville. It's not exactly convenient for last minute planning, but I'm totally game for anything last minute or unplanned.

He asked if I wanted to meet up that night. I told him I was already planning on going downtown with a few girlfriends to go to a show, so we'd be around in that area, and maybe we could meet up later. We could just play it by ear.

That's how I play best... by ear.

I drove three other girlfriends and myself downtown Chicago, all the way wondering what in the heck this was going to look like...

"So, are we all gonna hang out? Does he think it's just going to be me and him? I told him I was coming down with my girlfriends. This is weird for me to hang out with him and them because I don't even know him yet. That's awkward. Oh crap, this is gonna be really awkward."

After our show he calls and says for me to walk down to where he works. I say I am with people, but OK, that we would be there in a little bit.

My friends and I arrive at his place of employment, the restaurant where he was first our waiter, and before we walk in the door I tell them that I know for a fact that it's going be be awkward...

"I'm OK with it being awkward, I'm just warning you that it's going to be awkward. I don't even know this guy."

Honestly, I like meeting new people, so it didn't bother me that he wanted to hang out, but since I didn't know him, it also didn't bother me that my friends were coming along.

When I walked up to the table he was sitting at, counting his money, I said hey, but he proceeded to count his money... until he could pause to say hi.

I then introduced him to my friends, but he continued to count more money and didn't even bother looking up at them. They just stood there and I just looked at them. An awkward 20 seconds later he looks up and says "Oh hey, sorry..." and shakes their hands.

He looks at me and says "so, what's the plan?"

Here we go...

"I don't know... I don't really have a plan. I know that we're hungry and we need to eat..."

He looks at me... "Huh! We should have made a better plan."


How do you respond to that?

He looks around, "alright, well let me go finish some stuff here and I'll be back."

The three of us sit down, waiting for our fourth friend to join. He comes back, sits down, and asks me again what the plan is. Dude, I don't know, you're the guy! Right?

I lay it out for him...

"OK, let's just be honest... a) this is really awkward. b) I know the three of us need to eat. 3) we all rode together. 4) this is just really awkward. c) I don't know if you even want to hang out where you work, but d) I am open to suggestions. And e, f, and g) I'm sorry this is so awkward."

He laughs.

Improv guy finally laughs.

He asks if I want to do it another night, and I said that was fine if that would be better. I told him he was more than welcome to hang out with us, but it might be kinda weird (for him).

"Yea, that'd be awkward," he said.

We sat there silently.

"It doesn't have to be awkward, " my roommate interjects.

He just looked at her. The table next to us was apparently having an awkward conversation as well, because as soon as we got silent, the girl at that table says out loud "and it was just really awkward."

We all laugh... except for him.

He gets up, again, and says he'll be back.

By this time, our fourth friend joins us. He comes back, I introduce the two. He could honestly care less.

This fourth friend that joined us takes improv classes at another comedy theater downtown. She tries to make the connection with him...

"So, you teach at Second City?"

He kind of hesitates...

"I'm going to."

You're going to? is my first thought, because I'm pretty sure you told me that you did.

By the way, people, in this day and age, don't lie about what you do just to impress someone... it's called google, and they will find out.

I don't say anything. She continues to ask him questions, but he just doesn't seem interested in talking to her.

You can tell a lot about a guy based on how he interacts with your friends.

Chances are, if he could care less about your friends, he could care less about actually getting to know you. Or maybe he actually does want to get to know you, but not in the way that you think. Not in the way most girls think, because we are idiots, that don't seem to realize that most men only want one thing.

I take that back. I really don't mean that... we're not all idiots.

OK, OK... and in all honesty, all men don't only want one thing... a vast majority, maybe, but not all.

So to continue my story...

He asks if he could go take a shower and we could meet up later. I again remind him that we all rode together, and are all leaving together, and that the fourth friend has to work early in the morning, so we aren't staying out too late.

He seems bothered by that.. as if my friends were going to leave and I was going to stay downtown Chicago... YEA... RIIIGHT.

I didn't know what he was thinking, because I told him when he first called me that I was already going downtown with some of my girlfriends. I didn't realize meeting up with him meant ditching them.

Huh? We should have made a better plan.


My Uncle Buddy always used to tell me "fail to plan... plan to fail."

I think it's safe to say that the attempt to meet up with this guy was a complete failure.

I never heard from him again.

My friends asked if I was disappointed... and maybe I was that night, but not necessarily because it was all so weird.

I was disappointed because... he's a guy, and I'm a girl... I mean, I'm glad he's a he and I'm a she, but it seems like unless we make some kind of physical connection, there's no sense in making a connection at all.

That's stupid to me.

Which leads me to my next point...

People I work with always ask me why I don't really date that much... or at all... and other than that fact that I have to be asked first, I say because there are two types of girls in the world today... those that just want to have sex, and those that just want to get married.

I am neither.

I can't help the man who wants commitment no more than I can help the man who wants sex.

I can only be me. And sometimes that means just trying to figure out who exactly "me" is.

And I admit, sometimes it's lonely... it's lonely to try and find yourself. It's lonely not to settle for what someone else wants. But I can't. I can't compromise who I am and what I believe just to avoid a moment, or even a whole season, of loneliness.

And I know people always say not to say "I can't," because it really means "I won't," but I don't agree with that right now. Because I will. I will settle. I will compromise.

I will... even if it is outside of God's will... I will.

I can't do it on my own.

I just can't.

...........................




(ps... I apologize to most men for my bitter comment... I was listening to Alanis Morissette at the time)