the sleeve

11/11/08

I laid in my bed last night, room mate beside me, and I cried.

I cried as I told her about my whole day... how it wasn't necessarily bad, but it wasn't necessarily good. I just couldn't stop crying.

It was emotional, to say the least.

I was emotional.

And no... it's not "that time of the month."



Just let me explain...





A friend of mine shared with me her hopes and fears of a relationship/friendship that may or may not be forming between her and somebody that she cares about. She told me of her past hurts and how they cause her to be insecure in the situation she is now in.

She also revealed to me how honest she was with him about it. She didn't pretend to have it all together, she got real with him and told him how she was feeling.

I was shocked when she told me he actually responded. Not even necessarily in a way that she would have wanted him to respond, but he responded.

Props to you, sir.

I think deep down I've always thought that as soon you share your feelings with a guy, he disappears. And if not right away, it will only be a mater of time.

Now, I realize that's my own stuff from my own past hurts, but I've seen it way too many times... way too many.

She revealed. He responded.

There's something so beautiful about that.

And while thinking about how beautiful that was, I started to think of the initial risk she took in the first place... the risk of revealing... the risk of rejection.

I started to get upset because I can not even fathom the idea of revealing myself to someone. The very idea made me hurt. And I cried. Not dramatically, but I teared up as I sat in the window at Starbucks, staring at the passer-byers, wondering what their stories were.

Before our conversation I was working on where I want to be and what I want to be doing 5 years from now. My excitement for the future was interrupted by the reality of life... the reality of relationships.

My thought process took me on a few girls' journeys though their past hurts.

And it hurt.



I thought about an innocent 14 year girl getting involved in a serious relationship that was much more complicated than a girl her age was able to handle.

I thought about an 18 year girl who trusted someone with all her being and whose world was shattered when she saw with her own eyes how that trust had been broken.

I thought about a 20 year old girl who finally met someone different... someone who invited her to church, who made her feel loved, who made lots of girls feel loved, and who eventually disappeared.

I thought about a 21 year old girl who tried to be everything she wasn't just to please the one she was with, until she finally realized he didn't like her... he liked his idea of her.

I thought about a 24 year old girl who said no, and the pain that was caused when he didn't listen.

I thought about the girls that I haven't mentioned, and how some of the stories repeat themselves... and how some, thank the Lord, do not.

As I thought about them, I cried.

My crying was less about past hurts and more about fear of the future.

Fear of revealing myself to someone. Fear of rejection.

And while I know I am confident in who God made me to be, even the most confident women have a voice deep down that whispers "what if?"

"What if I'm not good enough?"

I sat in my fear, let a few tears fall down my face, before wiping them away with my sleeve, and I took a deep breath.

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11/14/08

I don't think I knew how to finish.

And even now, sitting here, looking back on what I wrote, I wonder... what do you say to that? What do you say to a girl to make her believe that she is good enough, that she didn't deserve that, and that he should have listened?

What do you say?




What would you say?




Knowing that words won't make the pain go away, what would you say?



Sometimes there's nothing you can say.

So you know what you do?




You sit... in silence... and you just hold her.

You hold that girl and you let her know, that despite what life has thrown at her, she is loved.


She is loved.


Somewhere, deep down, isn't that what we all want to know?

That regardless of our scars, we are loved.




And while thinking about this, I got in my car the other night and I said a quick prayer before the busyness of the night came upon me.

This remains my prayer and my reason to be thankful for who I am...

"Thank you, Lord... for wanting me!"


I may have experienced hurt, but I don't feel sorry for myself.



I feel blessed. I feel loved. I feel wanted.

I feel this way because I have been rescued...

which is something that I would not have had the opportunity to feel, had I not had hurts that I needed to be rescued from.




And so... I leave you with this...


If you are hurting... don't just sit in your fear...


let a few tears fall down your face, before wiping them away with your sleeve, and take a deep breath. Then be still... and rest in the fact that, despite how it feels, you are loved...


because there is someone who is waiting to rescue you.