dinner's ready

Today a plane took off aimed in the direction of London, England, and on that plane were (and still are) about 10-12 people whose ultimate destination is Uganda, Africa.

I am not one of those people. 

And I can't tell you how hard it is to sit here and type that.

I could be on my way, back to Africa, but instead I sit comfortably in the house of which I live and wait for dinner to be fixed.

I will sit down at the dinner table. Someone will pray over the food, I'm sure. I will laugh through dinner. I will disconnect from this sadness that I feel inside me and try to be as present as possible among those I love. But when dinner is over, I will go to my room, I will sit on my bed, and I will sit in silence.

I can't predict what will happen, but I will sit, and be still, and think of how I wish I could be among those that I love... those in Africa. I may try not to cry, but odds are that might be how this picture ends up.

Even as I type this, I hold back tears, knowing that I don't want to head to the dinner table all teary eyed.

I can't help but ask God...

"What am I doing here? Why am I not on that plane?"

But there is nothing... 

just silence.

So I try again...

"God, why am I not on that plane?"

And I hear something...

"JJ... dinner's ready!"

I glance up at Him and I laugh, knowing that later He will be holding me when I cry, but until then I do my best to obey Him...

Dinner's ready, so I must go.

Until next time...