sort of full of

I went running today.

Let me rephrase that...

I went for a walk today, and on my walk I decided to run a little.

Toward the end of my walk/run it started to rain, and it was beautiful.

I was close to home, but instead of turning back toward the house I kept walking straight, further away from having a roof over my head. I just had the desire to keep moving, and I didn't want the rain to stop me. Quite the opposite, infact, I invited the rain... it felt amazing!

At first I just started moving my arms, waving them back and forth, but before I knew it I was all out dancing.

I walked/skipped to an empty park, and huge trees were at my disposal to hide under, but I kept finding myself out in the open, dancing in the rain...

and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was living abundantly.

Simple as that.

It didn't require an extravagant vacation, or a famous charity to donate lots of money to. It didn't require performing for hundreds of people, or publishing a book. I didn't have to go to Africa to feel alive, a thought I struggle with often.

Nope.

I realized that by just hoping to live an abundant life, I've been missing out on the opportunity to actually live it.

Maybe one day I'll be able to travel the world, or play my music in front of lots of people... a life I hope to live. But in the mean time, I have a life to live... everyday... in the ordinary, in the small things.

As I started to walk/jog a little back home, I noticed the people driving by. I could tell by the expressions on their faces that they felt sorry for me. When they saw me soaking wet on the side of the road I could almost hear them blurt out, "sucks for you!"

It's funny, because that was my exact thought when I saw them sitting there all nice and dry in their big fancy cars. They had no idea what it felt like in that moment to feel the rain, and I genuinely felt sorry for them.

I walked and stood under a tree for a bit to catch my breath, and I just smiled. I smiled and I said to myself, "so this is what it is... to live... to really live."

Most people know I've struggled with depression for a long time (something I openly talk about in the past tense). What they don't know is that depression remains a current struggle in my life that I feel somewhat embarrassed to talk about. Even now I'm debating as to whether or not I should erase this paragraph, knowing there is a stigma associated with depression that I don't want to be associated with. But then I think about my time today, and I realize I don't care.

I don't care what people think when they see me dancing in the rain. Nor do I care what people think when they see me take my medication. I experience lows, yes, absolutely. But I've started to realize that it's in those lows that I experience my God holding me, and telling me how much He loves me. It's in those lows that I've actually stopped long enough to listen to His voice, which really makes it not a low at all.

So what purpose has depression served in my life... to be a blessing or a curse? To be honest, I don't know. Sometimes I think a little of both. But instead of trying to figure it out, I'm just going to live my life... one day at a time.

Today I lived my life out in the rain instead of hiding under my covers.

Thank you, Lord, for such a time as this.