belly

Well, let me start off by saying...

"Thank you, facebook, for your advertisement columns that are just so darn catchy and pleasing to the eye. Because of the fantastic job you do in reading my cookies, you are quite aware of what it is that I am interested in, and therefore do quite an exceptional job making me well aware of all the things that I don't have that, according to you, I 'neeeeeeeeed.'"

Now... on with the story...

I was on facebook yesterday, which is probably where it all began because I should have been doing my homework and not sending hate mail to my ex-boyfriends (joke), but none the less, it was facebook, not my hermeneutics homework, that captured my attention (kids, don't try that at home).

While on this book of face, I noticed a colorful ad on the side of my homepage with a pretty purple laptop on it and the word "FREE" in really big letters. Upon looking closer I also noticed an apple on the front of this beautiful purple contraption... "Yum," I thought, "an apple!" There was already a bite taken out of the apple, but it was still just so beautiful... it was as if the apple was saying to me... "bite me!"

So... low and behold, I clicked on the magical link that was going to deliver a talking, purple apple right to my doorstep and before I knew it I was giving out all of my contact information without even bothering to ask "is this legit?"

Sure enough, I get to the "you're almost finished" page and right under the big shiny "CONGRATULATIONS, JJ. We've reserved a Macbook Air just for you" is the final step (in fine print):

Confirm delivery by completing two reward offers from each of the Top, Prime and Premium reward offer page options. Various types of reward offers are available. Completion of reward offers most often requires a purchase or filing a credit application and being accepted for a financial product such as a credit card or consumer loan.

In other words, I had to chose two '30 day money back guarantee' offers that I would "sample" and either purchase upon my liking of them, or be charged the amount of the products if I didn't return them.

"DANG IT! I KNEW IT!" (even though I really thought I was going to be typing this story on a purple Macbook Air laptop... riiiiiiight, JJ, right!) I signed off, closed my dinosaur of a laptop, shrugged it off and took a nap.

When I woke up 20 minutes later (yea right), I had 3 missed calls (something that doesn't often occur) but no voicemail. I checked my call list... one was unavailable, and the other two were only four digit numbers. "OHHHHKAY," I thought and went on with my life.

(What I didn't know at the time is that when I filled out all my info to recieve my talking, purple apple, they kept my info and distributed it to consumer report agencies that were looking for people to offer their "free" products to.)

Fast forward to today. After work I got a phone call from one of those weird numbers and against my better judgment, I answered it. What happened next is pure gold...

"Hello?"

An overly entusiastic voice beams through the other end of the phone
"Hello, may I speak with Ms. Barrows, please!"

"This is her..."

"Hi Ms. Barrows, my name is (insert made up name here) and I'm calling to tell you about a new, breakthrough product out on the market called Acai Berry Select. This new and amazing product has been featured on the Rachael Ray show, maybe you've heard of it..."

I sit silent

"Have you seen this product featured on the Rachael Ray show, Ms. Barrows?"

"No, I haven't"

"OH WOW, well let me tell you about it. Acai Berry Select is a RAPID FAST acting weight loss pill that helps you lose weight super fast and detoxify your body! With Acai Berry Select you get the combined antioxidant power of acai berries with the health promoting benefits of green tea and other nutrients in a one time-saving, easy to take capsule..."

As I sit and listen to her explain every ingredient in the Acai Berry Select weight loss pill, I start to smirk and laugh to myself while thinking, "if only she knew who she was talking to."

At this point she is just so excited that I haven't hung up on her yet that her voice starts to get even higher, with even more enthusiasm (if that was possible). I let her continue...

"Ms. Barrows, with our product you can shed pounds easier and faster than you ever imagined! Infact, people just like you are losing 10 pounds, 20 pounds, 50 pounds and more using this amazing product!"

As she keeps talking I start to realize that there is absolutely no way that I can just leave this alone and simply say no. After all, recovery should be fun, right? I interrupt her as she's on her roll...

"Um, I don't think I should get it."

It was as if she was ready for me to say no...

"Oh, come on Ms. Barrows, there's no reason not to get it because I'm going to send you a free sample with a 30 day trial period. If you don't like it you can send it back within the 30 days and you don't have to pay a thing. And I mean, come on, if Rachael Ray says it's good, you know it's good... am I right?"

I entertain her for a second...

"Yea, Rachael Ray knows her stuff"

She gets excited...

"RIGHT? I mean, come on! AND if we ship it to you today I will even send you a free packet of our green tea weight loss gum. You burn calories while you chew..."

(Don't we do that anyways?)

"So, Ms. Barrows, are you ready to lose weight faster than ever before and feel great about your body?"

Now I get excited...

"Well, honestly... No, I'm not," I take a deep breath... "you see, the reason that I don't think I should get it is because I'm in treatment for an eating disorder."

SILENCE!

"OOOOHHHHHH... Oh my, OK, well, Oh my, I'm sorry, well... well, you know maybe... maybe it could help... (Ok, she thinks I'm over weight) I mean it is all natural and there's no chemicals and it could help with your metabolism."

I love the awkwardness and sit in it for a second before responding, "No, actually I'm trying to gain weight."

SILENCE!

"OOOOHHHHH... that kind... Oh my, OK, well, Oh my, I am so sorry! OK, well... well... well you know what, Ms. Barrows? I am so sorry to call... you just go put on a pretty pair of shoes, work on that body image and when you're done you go buy yourself a cheeseburger!"

She said it so confidently as if she had just given me the secret to recovery. I laughed to myself, but I also felt kind of bad for her, so I played along...

"OK, thanks! Yea, I'll do that!"

I can hear her smiling and her enthusiasm comes back as if she were still promoting the product...

"Alright, well you have a great night, Ms. Barrows... and good luck with that eating disorder!!!!"

I thanked my telemarketer therapist and said goodbye. I hung up the phone and I think it went something like this...

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA!!!!!
OHHHHHH MAN, BAHA... HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
AAAAHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
HOLY AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
BAAAAHAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA!!!!
WOAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! AHHHHHAHAHAHAA!!!"

etc... etc... etc... followed by, "THAT was AMAZING!"

I thought about what happened on her end of the phone when she hung up. I pictured her taking a deep breath and then turning to the other telemarketers... "OH MY GOD, GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED?"

I smiled, called everyone I knew, except you, and told them the whole story.

Actually, no, I just smiled.

And laughed.

A lot.





All joking aside, the truth is that recovery is hard. Believe me, I know! It's definitely something to be taken seriously and I'm not at all making light of that...

but...

Sometimes, I think that when you are given an opportunity to laugh, especially at yourself... you should take it. Even if it's about something you struggle with, you might be surprised... sometimes the most healing medication is just a "deep from within" belly laugh that you didn't even know was there.


Recovery is hard, and sometimes I still struggle...

but...

I'm still laughing...

and, man, does it feel good!!!