embrace

I've moved to Portland, Oregon.

I'm laying in a bed right now that is not my own, along with the roof I am under and the clothes I am in. Most, if not all, of my belongings are sitting in my car right now which is hopefully still outside.

Without much to my name, other than boxes full of memories without a place to show them off, I feel slightly misplaced and somewhat of a burden to those who take me in, even if only for a brief while. My skin doesn't even feel like my own.

It is uncomfortable and a little bit scary, but with that said, I can't say I completely dislike it.

I feel scared, but not enough to paralyze me.

I don't know where I'm going to live, where I'm going to work, or how this school thing is going to work out without the sufficient funds, but after all, I chose to come here... I chose to move. I can choose to go back... I can choose not to feel this way anymore.

I admit there are moments when that seems like a good idea... to go back to what I know, to go back to what is safe, to go back to a place where I know I am loved. But there are even more moments when I feel this fear of the unknown and cry out "Lord God, please help me conquer this!"

As overwhelming as some of these situations may be, none of them are as overwhelming as the feeling of leaving behind the people I love. My greatest concern is not that I find a great place to live or a job to keep me afloat. My greatest concern is how my heart will handle being so far away from someone I dearly love.

I know I am here for a reason. I know God has got me. I acknowledge this as truth and I don't doubt it for a second. But I also acknowledge the painful reality of loss, even if only by distance. And so, I will allow myself to feel the hurt and question what I have done or why I have gone. And despite how much I may want to numb the pain...

I will embrace this broken heart of mine, knowing that it will draw me even closer to Him who loved me first.