authentically weird

I know I've only been here for less than two weeks, but the church hunt has already begun.

Week 1: Door of hope... trendy, young 20-30 something year olds who make going to church look extremely cool. Appealing, right? Sure, especially because its the perfect place to bring a non-believer so you can prove that church is hip and relevant. But hopefully that's not the sole reason that draws people in, at least not the ones looking to get spiritually fed.

I've been to churches that were cool to go to, but the actual teaching wasn't really much to rave about. The actual gospel didn't have much life, and isn't that a key point in the gospel?... that Jesus not only offers us life, but life abundant?

I'll be honest, upon first entering the "church," which is really just a body of believers who meet in a theater of some kind, I questioned how much substance these people would have; especially the pastor who looked like he just stepped right off the stage of a fleet foxes concert and got tattooed by Kat Von D on the way down. Don't get me wrong, I thought he looked cool as hell, and truth be told, I would have totally listened to him for that reason alone, but when I realized that was the case, that I'd listen to him for how he looked, I realized I needed to have a higher standard for who I want to be pouring spiritual truths into my life. I decided not to judge by appearance (whether good or bad) and just listen to what he had to say.

He opened his mouth to pray the the words that came out were like gold coins pouring out from a slot machine... I couldn't get enough of them. I just wanted him to keep praying and praying. He prayed with more vulnerability and transparency than I thought most pastors ever would (especially hard core looking pastors with tattoos).

He prayed and he taught, straight from scripture, and I don't know what all the big and little hipsters around me were thinking, but it was awesome.

He talked about how it's so common these days for people to have open relationships with each other, not really committing to any one person, but keeping their options open while holding onto plan B just in case nothing else worked out. And after talking on this subject for a while he asked me (well, he asked all of us) "Do you have an open relationship with Christ? Is there compromise in your life?"

Now again, I'm fresh in to the city of Portland, so I'm not going to claim to know everything about it, but one thing that I have picked up on is that it is a very free-spirited, open to everything, don't put all your eggs in one basket kind of place. There's a lot of spiritual stuff going on here, but I wouldn't say its all positive. It's portrayed as positive because you hear a lot about self awareness, self improvement, self enlightenment, and anything else that involves reaching a higher self, but when its all rooted in self and self is the foundation upon which you improve yourself, that's not very positive... its selfish, and its lonely.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in taking care of yourself. I believe way too many "Christians" just serve, serve, serve thinking that if they take one minute of time to themselves they are being selfish, but I wholeheartedly disagree. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. It is scriptural. Jesus rested. Jesus spent time alone. Jesus wept. Jesus went off away from the crowds to be with His father. Are we not called to model after Jesus? Even Jesus knew when enough was enough and the time had come to be alone... to allow God to minister to Him the way Jesus Himself had been ministering to other people.

That said, when our foundation in who we are is solely dependent upon self alone, no matter how hard we attempt to take care of ourselves and find fulfillment, we will still be unsatisfied.

I think many people (myself included) want a cafeteria style type of faith... they want to go through the line, pick out all the good and appealing stuff, and leave the rest untouched. We can do that, no one is stopping us, but that's not real faith. That's compromise. That's being a Christian when it is fun and easy and relevant, and being something or someone else when the Christianity thing gets too hard, or too offensive, or too weird.

And I started thinking, how often in my life do I compromise who I am and who Christ has called me to be? I hate to say it, but its often. More often than I would like to admit. Being in a new town, certain anxieties have risen within me that I didn't even know where there. I mean yes, I have felt sad about who and what I have left behind and I have spent a lot of time grieving, which is part of why I haven't felt much like myself, but truth be told, the fear of what people think of me has become so strong that I have felt completely paralyzed in my own skin. Each morning on the way to work I have to pray, "dear God, help me not to fear man, but to fear you alone."

I admit, like most trendy and relevant Christians, I hesitate to use the word "Christian" because of the stigma associated with it, but once again, that's being afraid of what others think. When asked what I believe, my mind scrambles... "Oh great, if I say I'm a Christian they're going to think I'm some kind of stingy, staunch conservative who can't have fun and condemns those who do, so I better think of a cooler way of saying I believe Jesus is the son of God, died and rose again, and plays a crucial role in the Holy Trinity. Maybe I should leave out the part about flesh and blood... hmmm..."

The harder I try to be relevant, the more I feel the world chipping away at my confidence in Christ. I lose sight of Christ for the sake of relevance, and Christ is the whole reason I was trying to be relevant in the first place. Yet seeking relevance instead of Christ causes me to compromise a lot of what I believe, simply because when I'm trying to relate to the world, Christianity really does begin to sound weird to me (flesh and blood... really?)

I'm not saying relevance isn't important at all. I think a degree of it is good... we need to be able to meet people where they are at and relate to them in love they way Christ would, but when I begin focusing on relevance alone, I begin drifting from truth, and that is where I personally need to be careful.

To be a Christian is to be called out, to be set apart to be different. Let us never forget that as we find ourselves trying to be relevant in this world.

Towards the end of the sermon, the pastor, whose name I am now realizing I don't even know (so I'm going to call him Pastor Pecknold because he resembles Robin Pecknold, the lead singer of fleet foxes), said that Jesus offends us often because we are bent creatures. Pastor Pecknold warned us to "stop trying to present an unoffensive Jesus!" And he's right! People don't crucify an unoffensive man for no reason. The reality is, Jesus did and still does offend a lot of people because he brings to light what we hide in the darkness.

Paul said it best when he said,

"I am not ashamed of the gospel."

"The gospel would have to be offensive for shame to even be an issue. We are called to hate the things Christ hates, and He hates them because they destroy, not because He is cruel or a killjoy."*

So going back to compromise...

I can not continue on in partial faith or partial obedience for the sake of being relevant.

Pastor Pecknold laid it on the line and said it like it is...

"partial faithfulness is unfaithfulness and partial obedience is disobedience."

I can try and justify partiality, but the reality is, if I am being partial in what I am allowing Christ to have control of, I'm not really letting Him have control at all. And isn't that what He is asking for? For my all?

I don't claim to know much, but one thing I do know is that I'm tired of the show. I need to reconnect with my friend, authenticity, and live fearlessly sold out for the one who called me not only into existence, but into relationship with Him.

People, including my grandfather, warned me about the spiritual darkness of Portland, OR before coming here; and I won't lie, they are right... it is a very spiritually dark place. But what I've come to find is that because of that darkness there are real authentic communities of people searching hard after Christ, longing for truth and as a result of, set completely apart not only from unbelievers but even from other "Christians" I have met and known along the way.

You come to find what authenticity really means when you are removed from your Christian bubble and see people surrounded by darkness on every side, yet still living a life unwilling to compromise their convictions. It is truly inspiring.

I may be in a new place, dealing with all of the emotions that come along with moving, but after going to church a couple of times (will write later about church visit #2) I realize I have a choice for what my experience here is going to be like.

And so I am excited. I am excited to be here and to be getting involved with these communities. I am excited to be doing life with people again, from all different walks of life. Portland is known for being weird and being full of weird people (there are signs and bumper stickers all over the city that say "keep Portland weird!"), but let's be honest, we're all weird in some way, shape or form. So why should I fear what other people think?

I shouldn't. I should be authentic, even if that means me being considered weird, or even weirder than the weird... the weirdest of them all. Who really cares?

Portland is growing on me, and I'm slowing beginning to feel like I fit...

as a misfit.

And I admit, I like it!

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*Pastor Pecknold