a dash of salt

I baked a cake today.

A seemingly insignificant detail in the grand scheme of life on planet on earth, but for me and my small spec of time here, it was quite a lovely way to spend some of my afternoon. I was baking it with the intention of sharing it with a community of people tonight, and although I was proud of finishing what I started, it didn't quite turn out the way it was supposed to look, at least according to the picture in the cook book.

It was flat and thin and looked a whole lot more like a giant pancake than it did an actual cake you would frost and serve at a birthday party; but in thinking about it, even a pancake is a type of cake, and I was excited to at least get the finished product in the family of what I was aiming for.

There are many things aside from cakes that end up looking different than what we think they are supposed to look like, or even what we want them to look like. You can follow the directions to a tee without missing a step, a beat, or even a dash of salt, and still end up with something that looks nothing like the way the picture promised it, whether that be a picture from a book or a picture you have painted in your mind.

As I've said many times before, so I apologize for saying it again, I moved to Portland, OR last fall. I knew what it would hold, I knew what it would look like, I knew how it would go. I had the directions and all I had to do was follow them and this wonderful life that I imagined up would become a reality upon moving here, or at least that's what I thought. I did have peace that I truly believe came from the Lord about coming here, but I may have sabotaged the peace by placing expectation upon what my time here would look like. The doors leading me here were wide open, so I walked through them, trusting that if this wasn't something the Lord wanted me to do, He'd shut them. As the doors flew open I walked faster and faster, forgetting what I was walking away from and expecting my arrival to be triumphant.

Low and behold, I walked through the last door and I arrived! And then everything fell apart. Moving here, for me, was going to be a step towards figuring out what I was going to do with my life. Instead, it quickly started to feel like 5 steps backwards, which I've encountered before, but this time I was alone and outside of my comfort zone.

Having had some time pass and being somewhat more adjusted, I am in a place where I am starting to be OK with the fact that moving to Portland looks absolutely nothing like what I thought it would. I'm actually coming to a place of being thankful that it doesn't look the way I planned. I thought my purpose in coming here was to go to the Art Institute and that was it. I still don't know what it is, if it's one specific thing at all, but I know that God has something bigger for me than just an art degree from an accredited and incredibly expensive art school. I thought I would find more purpose in my life (something I seemed to be lacking at that point) if I pursued what I was passion about, so I pursued art, or at least a form of art that would allow me to make a living.

Long story short, I'm not in school anymore. Was it another thing I started that I didn't finish? Maybe. Was it something that I tried and didn't like and can now rule out as a profession? Possibly. But I think there's more to it than that. I was so confused when I decided not to go back to school. The questions seemed never ending... "Am I supposed to stay in Portland? Isn't school the reason I came here? Do I go back to Chicago? Lord, what am I doing? I keep trying all of these different things, hoping it will be what you want me to do and hoping it will be what I want to do, and hoping it will fulfill me, why do I not feel fulfilled? Do I just keep trying? Am I not looking hard enough? Am I missing it? I don't want to start another thing and not finish it, what do you want me to do?"

It's funny when the Lord shows up. Over Christmas break I was staying with my aunt and uncle in Chicago. At some point, on some normal day while I wrestling with questions about the direction in which my life is going, as I normally do, mother nature called... or perhaps it was the Lord, but it was certainly mother nature that I heard... and felt... and responded to. I went to the bathroom without any expectation other than a normal visit to the bathroom. I was still asking the Lord questions while I did my business. In the brief moment before I got up to flush, I felt and heard something that wasn't mother nature. I stayed right where I was and revelation hit me like a spiritual two-by-four across the back of the head. It wasn't an audible voice, but I heard the Lord say something... something like this...

"You can try all of the things you want to, but if you are looking for them to fulfill you, you will never find what you are looking for. Not even doing something you are passionate about, such as art, will give you the fulfillment you are looking for. Only I can fulfill you the way you want to be fulfilled, so if that is why you are trying these things, your search will never end."

It was common sense and mind blowing at the same time. It's something that I knew to be true, but it wasn't until that moment that my heart received it and felt it to be true.

Our conversation continued for a while, but eventually I flushed the toilet, along with my desires to find purpose in a job, a school, or an identity of any sort, and flung the door wide open, leaped into the hall and blurted out "that was the best bathroom visit EVER!"

I don't know if my aunt or uncle heard me, and if they did I don't know what they might have thought I meant... after all, I was in there for quite a while, just listening to the Lord. But it didn't matter what they thought or not, I left the bathroom feeling lighter for more reasons than just those mother nature had to do with.

I still have moments and days of confusion, but I am increasingly aware of God's hand at work in my life. I am in pursuit of the Lord, not for what He can do for me or show me, but just simply and solely so that I might know Him. In knowing Him I am finding my value again and my purpose in life. I am finding that I may not be a trend setting graphic designer, or the next greatest Women's Bible study teacher, or even the humblest of missionaries in the bush of Africa, all things I have once pursued; I am finding that I am simply loved... simply and solely for who I am, not for what I can do.

This is no excuse for laziness... to just exist and be content with being loved by God. I'm still doing my part by taking steps towards things and seeing where He'll lead, but I'm doing so knowing that the things I pursue aren't going to make me a more satisfied person or define me for better or worse. Yes, I am learning to be content in whatever circumstance simply because I am loved by God, but it is that love that fuels me to pursue Him harder, knowing, and sometimes just simply trusting, that He will have His way with me and the rest will fall into place, not because of my own doing, but because of His.

And so... these were thoughts that came to mind today, all from simply following the directions of a cake recipe and getting different results from what was promised. Nothing is picture perfect. Not even from a cook book. I'm all for baking, but when it comes to recipes and formulas for how to do life, I give up.