called out

Well, I get to stay up late tonight, and to celebrate the occasion, I shall catch up on my writing. The trouble is (and I feel like I always say this), so much has been going on the last few weeks that I really don't know where to even start. I could write about this revelation or that, but with so many of them whirling about in some sort of revelation tornado, I don't know how to just grab a hold of one and write about it. Not that it's my job to write about it, but I like too.

Well there's the obvious, not because it's outward, although I do certainly hope it's reflected outward, but its obvious because it is part of life... God is changing me. In a big way. In a way so big I'm not quite sure how to write about it. I don't want to come across arrogant or prideful, yet in my attempt to be humble I don't want to minimize the vastness of what God is doing in my life. I shall settle on attempting to be neither and just write without care of how someone may interpret it. I say that not to convince you of why I am writing, but to convince myself.

I am in the middle of memorizing Psalm 27. I don't have it all down yet, but I'd like to share with you what I do know. The honor code will have to take place here as you will just have to trust me that I am typing this from memory, so here goes...

The LORD is my light and my salvation,
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life,
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me
even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD,
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble,
he will keep me safe in his dwelling.
He will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle,
and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me.
At his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy.
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
Hear my voice when I call, O LORD.
Be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you "seek his face."
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger.
You have been my helper.

(Scouts honor: I didn't look it up to check before posting, so check it for me)

That's as far as I've gotten, and not that I plan on it, but even if I were to stop there and not memorize another thing, I would have more than enough to chew on and find hope in. This psalm contains the prayer of my heart, the one thing I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life... to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Nothing else matters. Not to me, anyway. And that is what I am learning. That is how the LORD is changing me. Sure, I have known my whole life that nothing else matters, and maybe I have gone through seasons where my heart actually has been aligned to that truth, but now more than ever, that truth has never felt so real to me.

Part of it is accepting the truth that apart from God, there is no good in me. Any quality you see in me that you may be drawn to or that you like about me is not because of who I am, but because of who God is, and it is actually Him you are drawn to. And I know there are people who will say "but it is you," and sure it is me, but at the same time, it isn't. It's quite mysterious, isn't it?

At this point in my life, I have no tangible thing to cling to so that when I have hard days I can say "at least I have this." I thought having somewhere to live would make everything better about being in Portland, and don't get me wrong, I love my home, and I am beyond blessed to live where I do, but it is not the panacea I thought it would be. Having a home is a gift, and a blessing, but what I was hoping it would do was never the intention of the Giver... it doesn't give direction for the future, or make me feel worthy of being loved, or add purpose and meaning to my life. And although it is such a safe haven and a sweet place for me, it doesn't mend a broken heart.

As the house begins to fill up with furniture, and everything gets organized and put away, there is less for me to do and more time for me to think. At what point in my life do I stop looking for people, places, and things to fill these voids and mend these wounds? At what point in my life do I stop expecting my Savior to show up in the form of a boyfriend, a family member, a pastor, a therapist, a job, a talent, a pill, a paycheck, or a place to live? God can be in and can use of all of those things... but all of those things are not God, and when I continue to act like they are and pursue them as if they are, I will continually find myself consumed with disappointment, void of value, and filled with doubt that God was ever there to begin with.

Who am I to doubt the goodness of God when I was never even trusting in it?

Saying "never trusting in it" seems extreme, and maybe it is, but it feels that intense when you come to the realization that you haven't been trusting in it, or in Him for a while. When I living was in Chicago I felt God "calling me out," but I didn't really know what that meant. I thought it meant locationally, and so part of my pursuit of Portland was making tangible what God was saying. I wanted to be obedient to God "calling me out," but I wasn't really in tune enough with Him to hear Him finish His sentence. In retrospect, I honestly don't think He was calling me out of where I was locationally. Staring out of my kitchen window the other morning, the truth hit me so hard it almost knocked the breath right out of me... He was calling me out of where I was spiritually.... a place of stagnation and self pity, where I had voluntarily dethroned Him in my heart.

Among many other things, it is so hard for me to accept how my selfishness has hurt others in this process, and while my mind still scrambles for ways to restore and fix what I may have "messed up," I know the point is not for me to go back and play out the "what ifs," although the desire is there. I am here now and I can only look forward. Someone reminded me today that the truth of the matter is, He knew I decided to move here, and He didn't stop me, so I can only assume that He has got something in mind for me. Maybe the change locationally is what needed to happen in order to become aware of my need for spiritual change, and maybe not, I don't know. What I do know is that, regardless of how much transformation has taken place in my life since I have moved here (and it feels like a lot), it is not the location that is changing me, it is God. And I was foolish to ever think that a location, or another degree, or the opportunity to make an independent decision for myself was ever going to fill a God-shaped void, and give me ultimate satisfaction and purpose in life.

God, forgive me. Hear my voice when I call, O Lord. Be merciful to me and answer me. Forgive my ignorance. Forgive my constant need to find validation in others instead of in You. Forgive me for manipulating and trying to control my situation and even the situations of others around me. Forgive me for more than just what I have the nerve to type out here. Do not turn Your face from me. Do not turn Your servant away in anger. You have been my helper. All along it has been You and I've been blind to it. Forgive my vision. Be my vision. My heart says of You "seek His face," and no longer do I want to ignore the cry of my heart. Your word burns in my heart like a fire. It's like a fire built up in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! Indeed, I cannot!* Therefore, Your face, I will seek! In You is where I want to be hidden. In you is where I want to be found. I don't have much left to bring You, but what I do have I will bring to Your tabernacle and sacrifice with shouts of joy. I will sing and dance and make music to You, Lord, for You have set me high upon a rock... a foundation greater than any home could ever offer. And so, with nothing tangible to cling to, I cling to You, because You are my light and my salvation! You are the stronghold of my life! Of whom or of what shall I be afraid?


If this prayer alone has anything to do with why I am in Portland, then every hard bit of this seemingly long journey has been, and continues to be, completely worth it.



*Jeremiah 20:9