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I'm in desperate need of a coping mechanism right now, so I'm going to write. I don't know what I'm going to write about, or why, but I'm going to write and I'm going to keep writing until I feel like I have accomplished something, or until I feel like this feeling has passed... this feeling of hopelessness, this feeling of worthlessness, and this extreme feeling of either wanting to go to sleep and not wake up, or to do something completely destructive to distract my attention and remind me how to feel.

Why? Why does God feel so far away? Why do the warm fuzzies and the holy hugs fade after a certain period of time? Is there a time limit; like a 3 month love fest with Jesus and then one day you get tired of it and look for something else? Is this another addiction I have gotten myself into... addicted to Jesus? People say it's a healthy addiction, but is any addiction healthy when it consumes your life?

Do I really want Jesus to consume my life?

I'm sick of things consuming my life. I'm sick of popularity, greed, food, lust, anger, weight, depression, control and all of the above consuming my life. I'm sick of wanting my eating disorder back, I'm sick of wanting my ex-boyfriend back, I'm sick of wanting my party life style back... I'm sick! Aren't we all?

All of us are sick in some way and yet we refuse to talk about it. We refuse to talk about our insecurities and our weaknesses, we refuse to talk about our failures and our shame, our guilt, and our lying... maybe we refuse to talk about it because we refuse to acknowledge it... or maybe because even though we're told time and time again that it doesn't matter what other people think (only what God thinks) deep down we don't think that's true.

I don't. I'll be the first to shamefully admit it. I don't want to admit it, but it's true. All of us, to some degree, care what other people think of us. It's human and it's been ingrained in us since the fall. Isn't that how it all started?... Adam and Eve walking around in all their glory and then BAM! "Oh my God, Adam don't look... pretend like you didn't see!"

Too late. He saw, and so did you Eve, and you can hide all you want but it won't take back what you did and it won't erase the past.

(and when I say "you," I don't just mean Eve, I mean you and me, and him and her and they and them and all of us... whether we like it or not, we're all in this together)

So then why? WHY? Why do we continue to hide and pretend like just because we're Christians everything is fine?

It should be the opposite! Jesus said if we followed him the world would hate us! HATE US! How can we be fine, as Christians, with the rest of the world HATING us? We don't have to pretend. EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE! It's hard to follow Jesus, it's hard to surrender, it's hard to not do what I want when I want in the moment I want it. It's hard!

Here all this time I've been trying to get all these people to like me, and yet Jesus said that if we followed him, even families would be divided... some will remain followers, while others will not. And when the time comes to please one or the other, Jesus says "follow me."

I don't know if I have the energy to keep following Jesus, but I know I don't have the energy to continue my journey alone. And just like one of the disciples, I ask, to whom else should I go?

I can walk away. I know that. But I've got no where else to walk to and no one else to walk with.

You're not good enough. I'm not good enough. Bill Hybels is not good enough. Beth Moore is not good enough. Not even Billy Graham is good enough. None of us are good enough.

And Jesus is the only one, that I know of, who ever promised to be enough!



And that's all I want right now Lord. I want just enough. I don't need a miraculous sign, a chance of a lifetime, or all I could ever want in life...

I just want to get through this moment. Right here. Right now.

I need just enough for now... and then maybe we can talk again later... when later comes.