baby steps

My mind is clouded... completely distracted.

I have to be up at 4am, but that doesn't seem to phase me right now. The way I see it, it is 6am in Africa, so I have already been at work for 2 hours.

That is where I am... I am still in Africa. Maybe not physically, but my mind is there...

my heart too.

Something happened in Africa. Something I didn't think would happen.

I know, right here is when I'm supposed to say something like "I fell in love," and even though I did fall in love with the people there, that's not it. I expected to fall in love. I knew I would fall in love.

What I didn't expect was to get angry at God. I was "supposed" to get closer to God, not get angry at Him... especially so much so that I didn't even want to talk to Him anymore.

In fact, we just started talking again a few days ago. Well, maybe I should say I just started talking to Him again. I'm sure He was probably talking to me, but I didn't listen... nor did I want to.

I'm gonna be honest... it was quite freeing to ignore God for a while. And to be completely honest... it was quite easy.

It still is easy... but I am attempting to at least give it a try... talking to Him, that is.

Right here is when I tell you why I am angry at God, but I'm not going to. I don't know how to flesh it out yet. I can't process it all or even understand why it is there, I just know that it is, and that is what I have to be honest about.

I don't know the why's, but I do know the what's... I am angry... and it is very real... and part of me dealing with and facing that anger is owning up to it. After all, it's only been since I've admitted my anger that I've even had the desire to start talking to God again.

And even if I did have the why's all figured out, I probably still wouldn't expose it. Why? Because that's not the point. I don't "reveal all" to seek pity or beg for attention... I reveal me to expose who I really am and ask to be loved anyway.

Yes... the girl who portrays herself as so heroic for loving on the people of Africa and having the pictures to prove it, that girl is asking to be loved. Not for loving on African children, who are so easy to love, but simply for who she is... regardless of who she loves, regardless of what her pictures show.

(If you think I'm honest on my blog, you should meet my therapist).




And so... It has only been since admitting my anger that I have realized that I don't always have to be OK before going to God... I knew that before, but I forgot... we all forget.

I was reminded at service this weekend that Jesus told us to take communion in remembrance of Him.

Remembrance?

Why?

Because we forget.

I forgot that I don't have to be all peachy king before talking to Jesus. I forgot that my God is a big God who can handle my anger. I forgot that He was angry too... not at me, but with me. And most of all... I forgot that He even cared. I forgot that He not only cared about me, but that He cared about me even when I was angry.

Who does that?

Honestly, I was going to write this entry about how I got over my anger and started "serving the Lord" again... but... I'm not over it. And maybe sitting in anger isn't "serving the Lord," but the best I can do right now is to be honest about it.

I am angry.




But...




I am OK.

And I know I will be.

And I just thank God that I am allowed to be angry.





Which means we have started talking again... mostly about my anger, but talking.

A step up from the silence.