Help!

I'm better with my words when writing them out, so this is me asking for help. I'm having a hard time staying on track with my meal plan, and as long as no one knows, it doesn't matter. I'm working two jobs now, one of which is incrediably busy and conviently during prime hours for snack, lunch, and snack again.

I didn't have lunch today. It was easy. I worked all day. No one was at home when I got done with work, so I didn't have to answer to anybody, except myself.

Well, not true... God was there, but I didn't notice. I had already gone the whole day without eating, so why start now? Infact, I was afraid to start. If I start, I won't stop. My solution? Just don't start. All or nothing.

I decided instead of eating, it would be a good idea to go for a bike ride. Hmm... let's think about this.

No food... bike ride... once upon a time, this would have been a great idea, and always the appropiate answer to any of life problems. This time around, I definietly felt the desire, but something just didn't feel right. I tried to think it through...

I laid on my bed and I battled back and forth in my mind "what do I do? Do I eat? Do I not eat? Do I go for a bike ride? What if I start to feel faint? Then I should eat. But what if I can't stop? You will. No you won't. I'm starving. I love this feeling. But I'm scared of it. How long will it last? Just don't eat! Just eat! You might as well just binge! You'll have to throw up later. It's ok. Just this once. Yea right. No. I don't want to throw up. But I don't want to gain anymore weight. And I don't want to eat. I want to live. But I want to be in control. I want to do it my way. I can't do this on my own. Yes I can. This isn't fair. God what do I do?"

I picked up the phone and I called my nutritionist. I told her I was scared and I told her the truth about not eating most of the day. To be honest, I felt good. I felt good about not eating, and it was like flirting with my past. We talked through how I could make up my exchanges. "Eat at 5pm and then again at 8:30pm," which by the way breaks old school rules of never eating past 8 (and for those of you who live by this "rule," your body doesn't know what time it is, and it doesn't matter what you eat after 8pm, it's how much).

I didn't want to eat. But recovery is not about what I want, it's about recovery (which is why recovery sucks). Ultimately, I know recovery is quite the opposite, but in the moment, it's so hard to think otherwise.

I mostly did what I was supposed to do. I ate both of my meals, but I skipped my "fats" and I decided to hop on the treadmill afterward. Old habits die hard.

Do I know better? Yea. Most of us (who are no longer living in denial) do.

But knowing the right thing to do is different from doing the right thing to do. I know what I need to do, but I can't do it on my own. So I'm asking for help. When you see me, ask me how my meal plan is going. Ask me if I'm getting in my exchanges. Ask me how I'm doing, but don't expect your typical generic response "I'm fine, how are you?" Only ask if you have time to listen. I can promise I'll listen to you too, but I can't handle the surface anymore.

Deep is calling unto deep.