Hypocrite

I almost started crying today at work.


A mother and her daughter came up to order some drinks. The girl was maybe 12, if even. The mom ordered her skim latte, and the young girl opted for her favorite drink... a tall (which is a small) vanilla bean frappe. After the young girl ordered, her mom looked at me and asked if that came in a low fat option or low-calorie. I told we did have a "light" cream base we can make it with, which always erks me when people order it, but propbably because I myself order them, and I know why. To be honest, I thought she was asking for herself, but then she looked at her daughter, her 12 year old beatuiful, healthy daughter and said "maybe you should start thinking about getting those from now on. Just think about it, as an option, you know? So you won't have all those calories." My heart dropped, and so did the young girls eyes... she just looked down at the floor as if she had something to be ashamed of. I honestly was kind of in shock. I didn't know what to say. I still don't. I looked at the mom and tried to smile and gave her my signature line... "everything is fine in moderation." She didn't say anything. She smiled, looked at her daughter, and said "well, just think about it."

The last thing that slim little 12 year old girl needed to worry about was her weight, and especially at her age, but the message had already been sent, and I felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything.


I went over to make the young girl's drink and when I finished I went up to the counter to call it out. The girl came walking up and as she started to say thank you, I pulled the drink back toward me and I said "now... you can only have this if you promise to enjoy every bit of it you want and always order it the way you like it." She looked at me and smiled... "ok... thank you!" I watched her walk back over to her mom's table and smile the whole way.



I honestly don't know if I was more worried about the little girl, or myself. Both of us were affected by that comment. I realize the mother had good intentions, and I'm certainly not calling her a bad mother, or even a bad person. I know she's "doing the best she can with what she has," as my mother would say, but seriously, that's an explanation for why we do and say the things we do, but not an excuse!




I made myself a vanilla bean frappe with whip cream. I drank it with the girl in sight and I could see her catching glimpses of me enjoying mine. We bonded as we enjoyed our frappes from across the room, and for a split second I started to feel like maybe I really made a difference, and who knows, maybe I did, maybe I didn't...




But... the girl and her mom got up to leave, and that's when I realized I was once again making an attempt to help someone else without helping myself.


I have been sent my own messages somewhere along the line, and these messages are so hard to break away from. Whether they be food related or not, I took control of how I responded to the messages by using food, or lack there of.




As soon as they walked out the door I threw my frappe away, without finishing it. Why? Because I'm a hypocrite. This is where I usually start to be really hard on myself and beat myself up, but honestly, looking back, the neagative action of throwing it away isn't as big of a deal as the positive action of drinking it in the first place. Yes, I am a hypocrite, but one with good intentions... aren't we all?

People who make good hypocrites are ones with good intentions.




I didn't want that girl to start absorbing messages that so many women are sent these days about the importance of weight, looks, calories, yada, yada, yada.... I just wanted her to be a kid. And even though I am trying to break free of believing them myself, I still find myself throwing away the things I enjoy, like vanilla bean frappes.




My goal today... I will enjoy a frappe... anyone of my choice... maybe chocolate, maybe vanilla... not because anyone is looking, not in an attempt to "save" a little girl from having a fear of food, and not because my therapist assigned me to... I'm going to enjoy one simply because I like them, and I deserve to enjoy the things that I like...

in moderation!




but more than that... I deserve to believe my own messages that I want to send out to others... and to myself!