it passed

the fear...

it passed.

So what I am about to post I wrote fairly recently, but I was afraid to share it. I realize that I am totally OK with exposing myself until it involves how I feel about someone else. That's where the door closes, the wall rises, and the hiding takes place.

In all honesty, I wasn't afraid for anyone to see it other than the person it was about.

But I'm tired of compartmentalizing what I hide. Yea, I want people to like me and think that I'm great, but if I'm hiding something or pretending, it's not really me they like, it's the idea they have of me. I'd rather expose who I really am, and when people see any good in me at all, they can know it is God, and not me.

Hiding how you feel. Hmmm... is that really trusting God? Brandi Carlile wrote a phenomenal song called "Hiding My Heart Away." It's amazing how well songwriters can know our hearts. She knew mine when she wrote this song... at least most of it. The song is about an accidental encounter with someone who completely caught her off guard and blew her away. She talks about wanting to know this person more, and it seems it is going to go in that direction, until the chorus ends with these last lines...
"But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away."

She's going to spend the rest of her life protecting herself. Wow... that song used to be me. And wow... that I can say "used" to be. I mean, the pain and the loss I've experienced, but I refuse to allow my song to end like that. I refuse to let the hurt dictate how I am going to live the rest of my life. People come and people go. I've learned this. God gives and God takes away. I learned this. There is laughter and there is tears. I've learned this. To sum it all up, I've learned that there are a lot of "and"s in life, and not so many "or"s... meaning you can't have one without the other. If you avoid the pain, you avoid the joy. If you avoid the risk, you avoid the adventure.

And again I remind myself that I chose life... abundant life... which means experiencing more than one emotion... which means trusting a God that I can't see nor even understand most of the time, but knowing without a shadow of a doubt that He is for me, and He is good.

So about that post... I guess it's easier to post something that I wrote in the past because I can always hide behind the fact that it's in the past, and who knows if I still really feel the same way or not.

Exposed, but still hiding... I'm not as brave as you thought.

Oh well. God didn't do it all in one day... I don't need to think I am better than Him.

Baby steps.

Step 1... post it.

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Guys and girls… friends?

What does that look like?

Not just any guy and girl… but a guy and a girl who both have a deeper connection with each other beyond physical characteristics or outward appearances. A guy and a girl who laugh with life while laughing at it. A guy and a girl who both possess a passion to pursue a life meant to be lived beyond what the world expects of them. A guy and a girl who love the same God, experience Him differently, misunderstand His goodness, but want so desperately to trust His heart with theirs.

What does it look like for that guy and that girl to simply be friends… and nothing more?

I can’t speak for that guy, but I can speak for that girl…

For that girl, it looks scary. Scary because she realizes she is faced with a decision… a commitment… a sacrifice…

Is she going to trust Him? Not the guy… her God… is she going to trust Him?

When things are going good and the friendship seems to be heading in the right direction, yes, she can trust Him.

But when things are unclear and not going according to plan… her plan, she starts to wonder, can she trust Him?

Yes. She can. Still, she can. But it doesn't come easy. It comes as a choice. It comes based on fact, not on feeling… which is what makes it so hard… which is what makes it all seem so unclear… she doesn't feel it, but she believes it. To the flesh, it doesn't make sense.

She comes from a past where feelings defined reality. To live in reality based on choice and not on feeling is to live uncomfortably. Uncomfortable because she may feel hurt, but she is choosing to believe it is for a good reason. And again, it doesn't make sense.

It’s uncomfortable because she wants to be found, but He says it’s not time.

Uncomfortable because if it’s not time, then that means she has to wait.

Waiting is never comfortable.

Whether it be for a phone call, an honest answer, or just a sense of peace… before getting what you want, or in actuality, what you need, the waiting period is never comfortable.

So is that what this looks like… this friendship between this guy and this girl?

Uncomfortable?

Yes…

Sometimes.

Sometimes…

No.

Being uncomfortable means she is going to have to trust God, if that’s the choice she is going to make. Trusting God means she is going to have to choose to be uncomfortable, because that is the choice she has made...

An uncomfortable friendship that will test her faith, include as many downs as ups, require trust due to uncertainty, forgiveness due to brokenness, and patience due to waiting… a friendship with no guarantees except that character will be built in each individual; because whether good choices were made, or not, a lesson will be learned, a heart will be healed, and God’ purpose will be fulfilled.