escaping

"Jage, I'm worried about you."


When I asked my roommate tonight why she was worried about me, I thought I was going to get some sympathetic answer about poor, poor pitiful me. I thought I was going to be affirmed in my thinking that the world had some how done me wrong, and that God owed me a break... at least just one break.

"You're not making wise choices," she said.

This caught my attention as it was not about what was being done to me by others, but about what was being done to me by me... my own choices.

I sat there silently and stared out the window as she drove back to our house.

I wanted to defend myself... but I knew she was right.

To defend myself would be to defend my bad choices. And that is a race with no end in sight... a race that I don't have the energy to run any more.

So... instead of defending myself, I sat in silence.

I sat in silence, and I once again asked myself "how can I get back on track?"

And sitting here typing this I realize... I can't.

I can't do it.

I want to be the hero of my own story and save myself, but I can't.

I'm stuck. And I'm tired.


Therefore... I'm going to escape reality for the next 8 hours... I'm going to go to bed.