Dear Depression,

I see you've come back for a visit. To be quite honest, I can't say that I'm glad to see you. While there was a time when I would have welcomed you with open arms, mainly because I still believed you truly cared about me, in recent years I've adjusted to getting along well on my own, and I've realized that I don't need you anymore.

Too many times you have played your games and messed with my head. Too many times did you hold me and love me and make me feel worthy, only to disappear a short while after leaving me to feel abandoned, alone, and very much afraid. You made me believe I needed you in order to be worth something, and I did, I believed you wholeheartedly. So much so that upon each departure I felt completely worthless to point of being nameless without your name along side mine.

Just when I would start to do well without you and have even a small taste of healing from your wounds, you'd show back up at my door, unannounced, and tell me you loved me all along. You'd point out how hard the healing was without you and reasoned that the only reason it could be so hard was because we belonged together... we were meant for each other... we were made for each other.

Time and time again, I fell for your lies and collapsed into your arms, tired and worn out, and very much just wanting to be loved again. I had convinced myself that I'd rather be unhappy with you than unhappy without you, regardless of how unhealthy our relationship was. I had convinced myself that you were my only option and that I could never be anybody without you.

I'm writing to tell you that I don't believe that anymore. I'm writing to tell you that I don't believe you anymore. And I'm writing to tell you that you are no longer welcome into any area of my life.

I don't know how you found me here, but find me you did, and I commend your efforts, but I won't reward them, I won't welcome them, and I won't give into them.

Today, when you saw me walking in the rain with tears streaming down my face, I admit, I wanted you to rescue me. I wanted you to numb the pain. I wanted everything you had to offer, no matter how sick, short term, or temporary it was. I wanted it because I didn't want to feel anymore.

But I don't want to want you anymore. I don't want to be numb anymore. I don't want to taste freedom from the bondage only to give into your sickness time and time again.

And so I kept walking, and I kept crying, and I kept feeling the pain of getting along without you.


I fear the freedom, but I welcome it, as I once did you, so I don't yet know how I am going to do this without you, but I know that I can, and I know that I will.


I was not made for you.

I was made for more than this.

I was made for greater things.

I was made with Love, by Love, and for Love and I chose to live in that truth.



Goodbye, depression. This time I am leaving...

because I choose life, and because I know that I am worth it.



Without Regret,

Jennie Joy Barrows