RaNDOm, but WOW

I came home to blog.

I kind of laugh when I think about it... it's Saturday night, and I came home to blog. I've become one of those people that people make fun of in their comedy routines... you know the ones that say stuff like "this show is gonna be so funny you're gonna go home and blog about it and think people will actually care about what you think is funny."

I never did blog about that show... hah... joke's on them.

ANYWAY...

So yea... I tried to go see a movie about a girl with a pig nose, thinking a girl with a pig nose would make me feel less insecure about myself, but then I realized even the girl with the pig nose gets the guy in the end, so I decided against it. Well, that and the fact that it was already an hour into the movie by the time I got there... which was probably about the time the guy was professing his undying love for the girl with the pig nose.

Gag me.

Sorry... I'm on an anti-Hollywood ending of movies kick... which is a much cooler way of saying... I'm tired of going to movies by myself. In a way I'm not, in a way I kinda like it... but when it's always the same ending and you walk out to your car by yourself only to drive back to into reality, it kinda makes that "happy ending" not so happy.

Wow... this has gotten depressing real fast.

So I went to this bargain bookstore instead... but the only bargained books were ones about growing up with two daddies or Hemingway in Africa. Africa is cool, and I can respect the fact that Hemingway was a great writer, but to act like I know any of his stuff would be a big fish. As for growing up with two daddies, I didn't have that issue... which is when I realized I didn't need to go see a movie about a girl with a pig nose to feel less insecure, all I had to do was go to a bargain bookstore.

After leaving there I figured I'd go for coffee, but instead opted for my favorite juice... oh yes... apple. I got one big enough to last me through the rest of this blog.

I don't have a way to transition into my next thought, so I'm just gonna go with it...

So pre-bargain bookstore and viente apple juice, I went to church. I was way late and missed the worship, which is my favorite part, but I stayed anyway. Tim Sutherland spoke on baggage and how we deal with it... or maybe don't deal with it by pretending like it's not there. He had a suitcase up on stage as a sort of visual and then asked us what was in our bag. What were we carrying around? What were our secrets? What were we trying to get away from?

The good thing is we didn't have to answer out loud... the bad thing... we can't escape what's in the bag. Now, ultimately this is a good thing because it leads to healing and freedom. But to confront your stuff head on is hard... and it hurts... and who knows how long it's going to last... so the easiest thing to do, at least in the moment, is to escape it.

What does it mean to escape? What does it look like?

I think it can look different for different people. It can be the alcoholic who won't get help, the girl who won't eat, or the cutter who won't feel... but it's not just people with addictions or "bad habits" that try and escape.

Escape can be the dad who's not physically present because while he's out changing the world, his kids are left at home without a father... or the dad who decides to be physically present for his kids, but since his heart is out changing the world, he's emotionally absent.

There's two sides to every story.

Escape can be the church kid who says and does all the right things according to scripture, all the while ignoring his heart... or the church kid who pursues his heart's desires, all the while ignoring what God has to say.

Either way is not living fully alive.

Every one's form of escape is different... there's not a universal right or wrong when it comes to escaping... it's asking yourself... what is it for you?

Religion can be just as much an escape as alcohol or any other drug. Religion can be just as much an addiction... which is why I don't like religion. I don't want formulas or 3 steps to get closer to God. I don't even know if I do know what I want, but I do know I don't want it to be based on my own effort, cause even my best effort isn't good enough.

Tim said it this way... "there's always something that I should be doing that I'm not, or shouldn't be doing that I am."

And that's it. I can't do it anymore. I give up. I said that to the lady I was praying with tonight... "I give up." I didn't even know what I was talking about at that point, but now I think I know... religion... I give up. I don't want it. I have a relationship... I don't need religion.

Believe me, I've come to this realization before, it's not new, but sometimes I get so caught up in life that I forget what I once knew as truth. And this is where I realize that my life is an ongoing journey... who knows how many times I'll have to re-learn something or be reminded of it again and again and again. And this is where I am so thankful that there is grace... and that God is patient... and that "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Rom. 8:1)

No condemnation. WOW. Life is still hard, but WOW.