known

I performed in an improv show a few weeks back. It was fun... tons of people... lots of laughter... it was good...

I wasn't happy.

People told me afterward that it was great and I did a great job, but I felt like they were lying. I knew I didn't do well... but that's when I realized... they didn't know that, but I did.

You see, I pulled it off, but I didn't perform to my potential, and nobody would have know that but me... unless they really knew me.

I was so in my head and I couldn't get out.

You know how life comes in waves? Like, someone hurts you, or someone dies, or someone leaves you... or even in recovery... sometimes you can be fine and totally good, and then before you know it, BAM, out of nowhere the pain strikes, almost catching you off guard and knocking the wind right out of you... you know what I mean?

The BAM hit me right before I was supposed to go onstage.

"No, Lord, PLEASE, please not right now... anytime but PLEASE not right now..."

I remember repeating that over and over, thinking if I just repeated it long enough and hard enough it would just go away... it didn't. It was to the point where I almost freaked myself out from even going onstage. I had this image of them calling my name and me not showing up. I thought that would be pretty funny... actually I didn't, but I thought it would be safe. Safety sounded good at that point. Safety is sooo appealing when in pain. I wanted to cry... the last thing I felt like I could do was make people laugh.

I sucked it up and I dared myself to go onstage. I reminded myself to "have the courage to fail!" It takes a lot more courage to fail than it does to succeed. The thought of having courage lasted a whole 2 seconds before I started getting scared again... I felt so attacked. "Just pretend like this isn't happening," I tell myself. The thing is, after experiencing the freedom of recovery, I realize how hard it is to pretend... to pretend like I'm fine when I'm not... but I knew it was my only option... at least when it comes to the stage.

Maybe it was knowing I was pretending that was distracting me, maybe it was the pain I felt before getting onstage, maybe it was the loneliness I was experiencing even though I knew many of the people in the audience were there for me... I don't know specifically what it was, but it kept me from being me.

Sure, I made people laugh, I did what I was supposed to do... but only you can know the disappointment in yourself when you know your potential and you hold back instead of trying to give it all that you've got.

I knew what I was capable of, and I knew I didn't do it... so I felt pretty disappointed. I was frustrated because I couldn't get into character, but even more frustrated at the thought of people actually thinking that I was getting into character. Once again, I'm more worried about what people think then what I actually do.

I didn't know if I should have felt better or worse when people told me that I did a great job afterward. I realize that sounds selfish... I should just accept the compliment... but I'm still working on being OK with not being the best... all the time. Yes, I want to be the best. I admit that... and knowing that I didn't perform my best, I wasn't pleased.

I realize this is just a simple improv show held in a theater at a church... it's not big time, it's not even close to big time... but it affected me in a big way. And it made me grateful for being known and being loved anyway...

Here's what I mean...

When I talked to a close friend after the show she said I did good, but she could tell I was having an off night. "You seemed like you were somewhere else..." That statement meant the world to me. It may not sound like a compliment on my performance, but to me, it meant that she knew me. She really knew me. I didn't fool her... she knew me! It's like she was saying "you did good, JJ, but what's up? Why were you holding back?" It was so freeing to realize I had someone, even if it was only one person, that I didn't have to pretend with. I've done a fairly good job at pretending even when I'm not onstage, and to have someone see through that is... hard, don't get me wrong, but very freeing... "I know you, JJ, and I love you!"

Do you know what that's like?

Wow!

Another friend prayed with me after the show. I told her I didn't understand why I felt the way that I did and asked why it wouldn't just go away. "How very appropiate " she said, "that the enemy would attack you while you are doing something that you were created to do."

And that's when I realized... maybe she knows me too... and maybe my other friend isn't crazy for loving me... and maybe I really am loveable... even when known for who I really am.

It's the very people that know me that I am sometimes afraid of. "They know too much," I think to myself, "they'll leave me at any minute!" So in an attempt to protect myself, I keep my distance. I'm still learning how to allow myself to be loved without the fear of being left, but I'm starting to realize that there are no guarantees... at least not when it comes to people. I'm going to be let down, so to live my life in fear of being hurt is to not live at all.

I'm hurt right now even as I write this... but I am alive. I am feeling. And I have hope... that this too shall pass, and life will go on!