today

I really want to play guitar right now but I don't have access to one.

I can feel tears starting to come, but they can't seem to quite make it out. I don't know if it's me or them. Am I holding them back, or are they really just stuck, unable to unleash just one more time?

I'm dog sitting right now for a family in Naperville, so this whole next week I'll be staying at their house while they're out of town. I've looked all over the house for a guitar, but I couldn't find one. I found a drum set and a punching bag in the basement... both of which could be very theraputic right now... but my head already hurts so I couldn't handle the drums, and as for the punching bag, I gave it a quick jab to try it out, but forgot to take my rings off (nor did I conceal them with gloves) so I now have a tremendous amount of pain in my hand to go along with the pain in my head. loverly!

I so want to be cheesy right now and say something like "but it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart..." hah... but I don't feel that pathetic yet. That and I'm having a good day today and don't feel the need to focus on heartache. Maybe that's why I don't want to cry. Don't get me wrong, I think crying is great, infact, one could even say amazing, but I also think there comes a time when I don't have to cry in order to grieve. Crying is probably the easiest thing to do and the first thing to come to mind when grieving is involved, but it's not the only thing.

Today I took a walk in the park and I caught myself smiling. No one was around, which is good because if someone would have seen me just walking around and smiling to myself they would have probably thought I was a nut job. But I walked. And I smiled. And for a spilt second I was sad because I wanted to be walking with someone, but I smiled again at the thought of realizing that I didn't need to be with someone in order to smile.

It didn't last all day, but I felt it, and I have before, and it is very real.

And it makes me realize something. I realize there is a difference between want and need. Do I want someone to walk with? Yes. I want someone to smile with, and laugh with, and play guitar with, and dance with, and sing better than ;) ... but I don't need someone in order to do or even enjoy these things.

Today I smiled, and there was no one else to see it but God... and I'm OK with that... today.