8/15/07

I'm tired, but I'm wide awake.



Today was hard. I had a rough lunch.


Pizza. And I actually had dressing on my salad. That's like breaking the 5th commandment of eating disorders.


In my recovery I'm trying to learn that there is no such thing as bad food... everything in moderation. While in my disorder I was completely and utterly convinced that certain foods were pure evil, and if I ate I had to eat healthy 100% of the time. I could never slip up, and every bite had to be perfect, even when it came to healthy food. I couldn't waste a single bite on imperfection.


I thought I was controlling what I ate, but really, it was controlling me. The more I deprived myself the bigger deal I would make about foods I didn't eat. "Junk food" became like the forbidden fruit to me... even though (in my mind) I wasn't supposed to eat it, I terrribly wanted it. Why? Because it was forbidden... everybody wants what they can't have.


All the deprivation caught up with me one day. I snapped. I had tried as hard as I could for as long as I could to control what I ate, and in a weak moment, I snapped. Because I am an extremist, of course I couldn't just start eating balanced meals... after all, I had to make up for lost time. I would binge until it physically hurt, only to perge right after due to all the guilt and "evil" food I had just put in my body.


Binging was a way for me to numb my feelings, and perging was a way for me to express my feelings.


My body had phsically lost all sense of hunger and satiety cues, and was functioning based on emotions.


When I say I am in recovery, it does not mean I am recovered. It means I am making an effort not to actively engage in my eating diorder. The difference would be now I realize I have a choice. I still have the eating disorder thoughts, but that doesn't mean I have to act on them. A thought does not equal an action. A thought equals a choice, and I can choose not to do it.

So why was lunch hard? I was pretty ok about the pizza and dressing, I mean, in all honesty it tasted good... but it was the topic of conversation discussed at the table where I was sitting. It was all women, and no matter where you go, what do most women talk about these days? Unfortunatley, food and weight. It's an obession, even for those without eating disorders. The world in which we live says we must look a certain way to be accepted, so much so that even the church believes it. I'm in recovery and I still believe it, I'm no different, but it still sucks that this is what we have placed as a top priority in our lives.

According to the table at which I was sitting, the pizza (which was provided for everyone) was considered "bad" food... or "unhealthy." My therapist would totally disagree... which is why I'm glad I'm in therapy. But yesterday I wasn't hearing the voice of my therapist, or my nutritionist, or even my Savior... I only heard the voices around me that, though not intentionally, were sending me messages that what I was eating was bad.

I completely shut down. I started looking at some of the homemade "healthy" lunches around me, and all of a sudden my pizza didn't taste so good. What should I do? Should I eat it? Should I move to another table? Should I leave and go get something "healthy?" Should I ask to change the topic of conversation? Should I explain to them that everything is ok in moderation, to which most people respond "yea, right!" Should I just binge since it's bad anyways and perge later? My extremist mindset took over and told me since I already started eating the "unhealthy" food I must continue to do so, as much as I can, for the rest of the day, and then never do it again, maybe not even eat at all the next day to make up for it. I don't know. I couldn't think, I couldn't focus, I couldn't smile, and I couldn't speak up for myself.

I have a meal plan which I am supposed to abide by 100%. I have to get in a certain amount of exchanges each day. No cutting corners; that's where it always starts... the corners. So I ate the pizza. I ate it, but the amount of guilt I felt overwhelmed me, and my anxiety about the rest of the day shot through the roof. I knew I was going to feel this way until I talked to someone about it, but along with the guilt and anxiety came my pride. Perfect timing. I started "shoulding" all over myself. I'm 23 years old, I should be able to handle eating lunch without getting upset. I should just eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I should stop worrying about what other people eat. I should be able to do this on my own.

But I can't. Trying to do it on my own is what got me into treatment, yet somehow my pride still convinces me that if I just try harder, I can do it all by myself, and that way I won't have to embaress myself along the way. After all, who really wants to walk up to someone and say "hey, I really want to binge my brains out right now... I know I shouldn't, but I'll make myself sick later, oh and by the way, I need help!"

So what do I do? I say nothing, and the longer I say nothing the more my addiction becomes an option.

I know it will be an option until I ask for help. But asking for help sucks. It's revealing a lot about yourself, and even though I talk openly about my eating disorder and my recovery, I very rarely talk about the struggle I still have with it. Everyday is a battle, but most people wouldn't know that. I often think that no one will understand, but in reality, I don't even give them the chance to understand.

I saw someone who I hadn't reached out to before, but something just told me I could.

So I finally did, atleast as much as I knew how to in that moment.

I asked for enough help to not use behaviors, but not enough to be convinced that I hadn't messed up my entire day by what I ate, and that I should continue to stick to my meal plan. Which is ironic, because not sticking to your meal plan is a passive way of using behaviors.


8/16/07

So today is a new day, and while I can't make any promises, I can say I'm going to try to do the best I can, and maybe actually ask God for a little help this time. I hear He's in the transformation business.