right here

My heart really hurts right now.

I was in the middle of writing some profound blog to impress people with, but that's not where my heart's at. It hurts.

I got nothing to say... I got nothing to pray...

I got nothing.

My eating disorder would come in really handy right now... at a time when I've got nothing. ED was always there when I had no where else to turn.

I don't want to feel any of these feelings. I just want to be numb. I want to purge myself of how I feel.

I'm just being honest... my eating disorder would come in really handy right now.

So what's stopping me?

Nothing stopped me in the past... prior to treatment, prior to recovery, prior to this whole season I'm in... nothing stopped me... so why now? What's stopping me?

In all honesty...

What people think of me.

Yea, I wish it was some spiritual answer like "the power of God," but right now, in this moment, I can't even hear God's voice. All I can hear are the voices around me. The voices that tell me how proud they are of me and how amazing I am. These are the voices I seek approval from, and these are the voices that I want to impress by having an amazing recovery. These are the voices that are stopping me. The voices that affirm me... the voices that make me feel better about myself... the voices that I depend on to hear truth... and while I realize God speaks to us through other people, I don't think God intended for me to be dependent on the affirmations of others and not seek His voice.

Here's the thing... before recovery, I also depended on outside voices... voices of others to tell me I was good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc... The thing is, these voices were never enough. I heard what I wanted to hear, but it was never enough... never enough because it was coming from someone exactly like myself... insecure, broken, and human. Even with the best of intentions, people will let us down. Even with the best of intentions, people let me down. Even with the best of intentions, I will let people down.

And so, I let those voices dictate who I was, and when it was those exact voices I was depending on for truth that let me down, I fell. I fell hard. And with no foundational truth, I fell fast.

So this time around I realize... I am still surrounded by voices... voices that love me and support me... voices that are life giving and encouraging... but unless I am depending on the voice of God as my foundational truth, the voices of these loved ones will never be enough... and I will continue to expect them to play a role that they cannot fill, which will result in my own let down, and my own fall.

I'm not saying once I listen to God's voice I will never fall. I'll fall. I know I will. To deny this is to say I don't need God and to set myself up for failure... but once I'm listening to and depending on God's voice, I don't have to blame other people for my fall. I can take responsibility of my own choices... my own lack of trust... and my own fall. And while I'm down there on the ground admitting that I messed up, God's already picking me up, dusting me off, and sending me on my way... again. Not because I deserve a second chance, or a third, or a seventh, but because God is good. And that's it. God is good.

People ask how I know, and I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I just know. With every fiber of my being I just know. Does He make sense? No. But He is good. Is it my definition of good? No. But He is good. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am being tested on that belief right now... it's easy to say, but not so much to really believe. And I admit, I have a hard time really believing it, but even when I don't feel it, I am choosing to believe that my God is good.

Even when things don't seem good... my God is good.

Do I believe this because I was told this since I was a child and I don't know any better... or do I believe this because God pulled me out of a life of bondage and depression and restored life and hope to a once empty shell? Maybe both. To be honest, in this moment I feel more like the empty shell than the life of hope, but it's in this moment that I'm choosing to believe the voice of God that tells me I'm good enough. Even in this moment of weakness, I'm good enough. Even in moments of disbelief, doubt, and uncertainty, I'm good enough. And that's (only a small part of)what makes my God good.

I'm still sad. My heart still hurts. It's not like I write a blog about the goodness of God and all the hurt goes away... I still hurt... but somewhere in there is hope, and a sense of peace that I am exactly where God wants me to be in this moment... clinging ever so tightly to Him, knowing that my grip isn't strong enough, but trusting His hand to hold me up even when I start to let go.