said it

I can't help but wonder what in the world God is teaching me right now.

I'm up. I'm down. I'm all around.

I feel like a freaking Dr. Suess book...

I think I'm sad, or maybe mad,
but not today, today I'm glad.
Today I'm glad and that is it,
but come tomorrow I'll want to quit.

Geez. I can't help but wonder if Dr. Suess needed some major therapy. I bet rhyming was his coping mechanism.

If so... he made bank on coping.

My mind is cluttered right now. It always seems to be cluttered when I want to write. It's like I can't spit out my thoughts fast enough, or form them into words that make sense, so I just sit and I stare. It may take me hours to write just one entry because I'm just sitting and staring.

I get caught up in stories that form when I look at my clock or stare at my books. Little people hang off of the clock hands and toy soldiers march across the books.

And no... I'm not on drugs. I just think that imagination is really underrated these days.


Today I was imagining while I was driving in my car... and only on rare occasions do I imagine right through the stop lights... but today as I safely made my way down Warrenville road, my imagination was interrupted by the man that lives in my radio. He started talking about his friend John Mayer and how I just had to hear this song he wrote. I told him I had heard it before, but he begged me to listen to it just one more time... "and this time," he said, "imagine what this song would look like for you."

The song goes like this...

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you only could . . .

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY [x24]

24 times!!!!! He repeats himself 24 times at the end of that song!

Why?

I think because he is trying to drill that message into our heads. He knows that just as soon as we work up the courage to say it, we get scared, and back down, maybe afraid of what the recipient will think... so he repeats himself over and over and over again... SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY.

This song, I think, may have caused a lot of drama for a lot of people... for those who have actually said what they needed to say.

A lot of times people don't want to hear what you have to say. And honestly... I wouldn't use a John Mayer song as a therapy session, and by that I mean I wouldn't assume I should take his advice. After all, he's the one who wrote...

"My stupid mouth has got me in trouble again... I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me. I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me."

I guess we're all a bit bi-polar in one way or another.

So... in my attempt to say what I need to say, using my stupid mouth, knowing it may hurt me (again), I've already been deserted, so this is what I would have said if I had had the courage to say it...







You hurt me.
Unlike I've ever been hurt before, you hurt me.

You asked me to open up,
you asked me to show you who I was,
you asked me to trust you,

and then you hurt me.

I asked for one thing, and one thing only, whether it be based upon my own past hurts, or just something I want and expect from someone who "cares" about me, I asked you to tell me.

"Just tell me," I said, "if you have a change of heart, a change of plans, a busy schedule, or just an out right no desire to continue this... just tell me. Don't just disappear and leave me to figure it out. I know this is my stuff, but this is what I need from you."

"I would never just disappear..."

That's what you said... "that would hurt you."

I remember those words exactly because it was the first time I had ever heard them and really felt like I could believe them.

You were right.

It did hurt me.

Within a week of that conversation, you were gone... and there was no explanation.

There was that one time, but even then you were a bit unclear as to what you wanted...

"I want to know you," you said "I want us to get to know each other," and I believed you. I saw you maybe once after that, thinking everything was OK... slightly awkward, but OK.

And then, you just kind of slowly faded out, like the rest of them... no explanation, no courage, no respect... you just disappeared.

I tried to write to you to maybe just understand what was going on, because at that point you hadn't return my phone call. I wasn't going to call more than once. Once was already one time too many.

Two days later you ended it on facebook.

On facebook?

I hate facebook.

You were my friend, and you asked me to trust you, but you couldn't even look me in the eye and say "I can't do this."

So you hid behind you're computer, and you typed to me that it was over.

I tried to understand, and I acted like it was no big deal, but as time went on I realized it was... it was a big deal... and it hurt.

And so now, here I am, no better than you, hiding behind my computer, typing to you that you hurt me.



And time has passed and seasons have changed, and I'm just now saying what I wanted to say all along... instead of saying what I thought you needed to hear.

I thought you needed to hear it was OK, so I said it was.

I was wrong, and you were right.

It's not OK, and it still hurts.