postponed

I flew home yesterday... which is mostly why I fell short on my attempt to blog for the day.

After a long day of running errands with mom, babysitting for my niece and nephew, and picking up my younger sister from the airport only 3 hours after I arrived at the same airport, my day ended on the couch... which is exactly where I found myself this morning.

I got up once to try to blog late last night, but the desire to finish the story I had in mind mixed with the total lack of energy landed me in a place of posting nothing instead of anything at all. Just when I think I've defeated my desire for perfection, it rears its ugly head and exposes itself in even the smallest of ways.

The rules of the daily blog challenge are to post everyday... anything at all. There is no requirement on length or subject matter, you just have to make the attempt to start somewhere and let it all go come mid night, even if it's not good enough for the public eye. For me, a lot of this challenge is more about letting go than it is about perfecting my writing skills. Initially I thought it was about the ladder, but come to find out, even after a few years of recovery, I still need to let go of my desire for perfection.

I had the option of posting "I am tired, going to bed," but that wasn't good enough. Last night, I seemed to forget that the beauty of this challenge is not about being good enough, it's about making an attempt to do something I love, despite the outcome, despite the level of inspiration and despite the number of "followers" it brings me.

Yes, I admit, I get girlishly excited when I see that even just one more person is following my blog. I have a hard time believing that the few people who do read what I write (most of which are my family) would actually want to hear what I have to say... not so much because of the content of what I write, but because of the fact that I'm really just one more person whose throwing their two cents out there. Who really cares?

And now I'm thinking, if I really believe that... "who really cares?" then why am I so worried about the quality or the length of what I write? And when it came to posting last night, why did I choose the extreme of posting nothing at all instead of what could have at least been the bare minimum... even if it was a low quality story I had begun to write before getting to tired to finish?

Who really cares?

Looking at the big picture, I know it doesn't matter if I post everyday or not. Its not life or death, I don't work for a newspaper and I know people aren't depending on my words to get them through their day. Phew... the pressure is off.

But if I look a bit closer, it actually reveals a lot about my character... who I am when no one is looking. To often I allow fear to cripple me... even in situations where fear need not be an issue. Sometimes I create the fear first, then I let it cripple me. Maybe its because I'm a 26 yr. old college graduate working at Starbucks, unsure of what I want to do when I grow up, but I often feel the need to prove myself... even if its something as small as "hey look, I'm a good writer... on my blog!"

So this leaves me asking... exactly where do I get my security from? If its dependent on people's responses to what I do for a living or how well I write, don't I have it all wrong?

My security comes not from human relationships, not from a job title, not from a mastered skill or even how much insurance I have (something that is easy to solely rely on for security), my security comes from He who created me in His own image.

And so, after waking up to my older sister pulling my niece from around my neck where we had both fallen asleep on the couch, I got up and tried to write last night. But after giving up only a few minutes in, I shut the computer, went back to the couch and found it just as easy to fall asleep as before.

Before drifting off into a deep sleep, I made a "goodnight" phone call and shared about not being able to finish my blog. I don't remember much of the conversation because even though it wasn't deep, there was definitely some sleep involved. I remember being encouraged to post anything at all... that its not about what I post, its about the commitment to posting. Feeling sleepy, but re-inspired, I grabbed the computer and set out to post anything at all... even if it was just the lyrics to my favorite song.

The trouble is, the computer of which I had been using belonged to my mother and when I shut the computer, it put it on a lock system, meaning I could only re-access it with a password. Apparently my mom is a lot more clever than I gave her credit for because I gave hacking it a pretty good try before realizing I would never be able to figure it out... good job, mom... if I hadn't been so frustrated, I'd have been proud of you!

This left me feeling really bummed out, and as much as I want to be able to blame not posting yesterday on my mom's computer, I have to take ownership and say it was really me who gave up. It's kind of like when you wait until the last night to do your homework and then something comes up and you aren't able to finish it. You tell the teacher you ran out of time, but really you had all week, you just waited too long and when the time came, life happened and you had to deal with the unexpected... leaving your homework incomplete.

As much as you want to blame it on the circumstance, because let's face it, it is a good excuse, the reality is, you set yourself up to give up long before you even started.

I need to start taking responsibility for my own decisions and it has to start with even the smallest of small ones. If I can't make the right decision in small matters, how can I possibly expect myself to make the right decision in big matters.

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Luke 16:10

If I really believe God's word as ultimate truth, I have a lot of small matters to take care of.

And so, re-starting today, despite yesterday's postponement and what I may want to come across as perfect or interesting, I am (re)committed to posting everyday. My writing may not be doing a lot to change other people, but it sure is doing a lot to change me and my perspective on life. I want to stay committed to the small changes God is making in my life, because who knows what will happen when I grow up and the big changes come...

I wanna be ready.