flashback

I was going through old posts earlier and found a few I never posted. I thought this one was a good reminder about keeping my attitude in check.

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11/13/08


Saturday was a bad day.

No particular reason other than it just was.

Work was non-stop, so it made it very easy for me to miss lunch.

I'm pretty sure all I had the entire day was a bowl of cereal before I left my house that morning.

For some people, this is normal.

For those who are in recovery from an eating disorder, not so much.



I am the latter... therefore, not so normal for me.

When I don't eat you can tell, as I'm sure you can with most people.

There's something about lack of calories that seem to bring out the worst in people... that and lack of sleep.

Saturday, I was operating on both.

I got off work around 5pm, which left me time to go to the Saturday night church service at Yellow Box. I don't normally go on Saturday nights any more, but I wanted to see an old friend who told me she would be there, so I figured I would stop by.

I went in, tired as a dog, and sat in a big comfy chair in front of the fake fireplace in the main entrance. The service had already started, and due to how I felt I was debating if I actually wanted to stay until it was over.

I decided I would think about it over some snacks. I went over to best part of what CCC has to offer... the free food... (kidding) and I loaded a small little styrofoam plate with some cheese balls and pita chips.

As I made my way back to my seat, I noticed that the other side of the fire place had a TV screen above it, and I could actually watch Jon Ferguson speak without actually having to leave the big comfy chair in front of the fireplace... this place keeps getting better and better.

I sat on the arm of the big comfy chair, and for the first time that day, I felt comfortable. I felt like I was right where I belonged... especially since I haven't had cheese balls since I was in the 9th grade.

I felt good.

Then... I was interrupted.

A young guy, who was obviously going to fill the tables up with more snacks, walks up to me and tells me not to sit like that. I was waiting for a laugh as if it was a joke, but there was no laugh.

There was a finger wave... but no laugh.

I heard the lady beside him say there was nothing wrong with me sitting on the arm of the chair and he loudly protested "YES, THERE IS!"

I moved my leg over so as to make it look like I was going to move, but I stayed right where I was... on the arm.

I was never really good with direction... at least not rude direction.

He went over to organize the snack table, then walked back by me, but decided to talk loudly about me, instead of talk to me.

I hear him walk back to the cafe, continue to talk about me, and on top of that, tell the man who is in charge of the cafe that I am sitting on the arm of a chair and he needs to tell me to move.

I see the cafe manager walk over, look at me, and walk back to the cafe.

I hear him telling the young man... "it's not a big deal. You gotta pick and chose your battles. Those chairs were made to be abused."

I sure hope so, I think to myself, considering how many youth hang out here.

I decided to be a smart-alec and show this kid that I'm not some random girl, but that I actually know the people he is tattling on me to.

I walk up to the counter...

"Is there something wrong with the way I was sitting?" I ask the cafe manager, loud enough so the guy can hear me.

The manager shakes his head and mouths "no" and kind of rolls his eyes like he knows that the guy who told on me was being kind of ridiculous, but right as he was mouthing "no," my friend, the tattle tale, yells out "YES!"

I get so frustrated and yell out as sarcastically as possible...

"you're SOO welcoming... it's a good thing you're on the welcoming team!"

I turn around and walk out the doors, but as I'm walking out I hear a girl from behind the counter yell out "oh my God!"



I left there fuming mad!

What if I was a visitor? What if I had never been there before, and that was my first impression of this place... all because I sat on a chair arm, that I'm pretty sure every teenager in the Naperville area sits on when they go to StuCo on Wednesday nights.

Imagine how that would go over...

"OK kids, welcome to Community Christian Church, we need you to sit up straight in your chairs... and while you're at it, straighten your tie."


I mean, I know I'm getting a little carried away here, but this was how I felt in that moment. I was pissed.


I drove home, still furious, wondering who in the heck that kid was, and of course my pride allowed me to wonder if he knew who in the heck I was.

Oh, that sounds so ugly coming out, but it's so true.

I got home and went down to the basement to vent to my roommate about it. "I just yelled at some little butt head at church."

(except I didn't say butt)

Before she could ask me why, I begin telling her the whole story, of course painting myself as the victim. "What if I was someone who doesn't normally go to church? That would not make me wanna go back if they're gonna be all uptight about how I'm sitting in the chair."

I finish my story, we sit silently for a few seconds, and under my breath I mumble "and I haven't eaten today."

She laughs out loud as if she's saying "OH... OK, now I know why you're acting like that."

I look at her and laugh silently as if I'm saying "I know that's why I'm acting like this," but I don't say anything.

"So let's eat," she says.

She keeps it simple, but to the point, knowing it probably isn't a good idea to talk to me about the situation until I have eaten something... and calmed down.

We order my favorite pizza from Papa Johns, barbecue chicken Hawaiian, and 45 minutes to an hour later, we're still hoping for our doorbell to ring.

While waiting for the pizza, I describe the tattle tale kid to my roommate.

"I think I know who that is" she blurts out.

"Who? Who?"

"I don't really know him, but I think he is doing community service or something, like he doesn't really go to our church."

Oh snap.

I feel it right away.

The tables have turned, and I am now the church goer I just mocked for being rude to people who don't normally go to church.

"Seriously, Lord, do you have to teach me this way? I had a bad day... that kid was rude!"

He tells me it doesn't matter.

I tell Him I don't care, because I knew I was in the right and there was no way I was going to feel bad about it.

The door bell rings.

Pizza's here!

I eat, I feel good, I calm down.

I go back to God and actually sit back and look at the situation, and it hits me...

"Oh snap... maybe I was wrong."

I look up and smirk, knowing that God was waiting for me to get there... it just takes me longer than others (and He knows that).



Some of my friends have nicknamed me "scrappy," and the above situation would be an example of a reason why... sometimes I'm just scrappy. God may have made me little, but he pumped me full of attitude. And it's not exactly an attractive quality, but it's a side of me that I have, that I know I have to acknowledge and be real about with the Lord, because let's face it, if I'm not constantly giving it to God, I'd be an all out brawler!

Did I really just say that? (I'm surprised that passed spell check... it looks so wrong)


All this to say, I knew I had to suck up my pride, go into church the next morning, and apologize to the cafe manager and the kid who "told" on me. Because ultimately, it doesn't matter how he treated me... that's not what I'm responsible for. I'm responsible for how I treat him, regardless of how he treats me.

To be honest, I kind of didn't want to. I kind of just wanted to pretend like it didn't happen, and I probably would have done that if it weren't for countless attempts of ignoring a situation that proved unsuccessful.

But I did.

I went into church, sat through the service, took a deep breath, and then walked up to the cafe. I was relieved to see the manager, but not so much to see the same kid from the night before.

I pop my head in the back and tap on the wall to get their attention. They both turn around...

"Hey... I... I just wanted to apologize for how I acted last night. I wanted to tell both of you I was sorry for my attitude... I was in a bad mood, and that was my stuff, so... I'm sorry."

The cafe manager hugs me and tells me not to worry about it... "I figured you were grumpy," he says.

I look at the tattle tale guy and say "I'm sorry."

He looks at me and smiles... "it's OK."



And I felt better.



Alright... now lets be honest... did I want him to apologize to for being so ridiculous? Yes... but that's not the point. I didn't apologize to him so that he would apologize to me. I apologized because I knew I had to be responsible for my actions.


And lets be even more honest... now that I'm looking back reading this, the whole thing is stupid. Me getting that upset it stupid. I'm kind of even hesitant to post this because it just seems so ridiculous, BUT... that's the point...

Regardless of how ridiculous it seems to me now... it was very important to me then. And it's OK. I don't have to be embarrassed about how I felt, but I do have to take responsibility for how I act or react based on what I am feeling.