running shoes

I ran today.

I used to run a lot. But I don't run anymore.

Today... I ran.

I ran along Lakeshore drive with the city skyline behind me. It was quite epic. I specially crafted the perfect mix on my ipod to motivate me to keep running. I got caught up in a few of the songs, catching myself doing hand gestures and rocking my head much harder than I should while running, but I'm pretty sure I didn't scare too many people.

While I was running I started thinking about all the places I've run before. In high school I was on the cross country team, but my running didn't really pick up until college. About five or six years back I bought these bright orange asics on sale at an outlet mall in Helen, Georgia. We were there for a family reunion, complete with fishing poles, tubing down the river, and yes sir, potato guns! My younger sister actually got clocked in the eye from a potato that was shot straight up in the air while we were all trying to catch it with baseball mits. I remember hearing her yell "I got it, I got it!" and clunk, she was down. I laughed so hard I almost peed. I know, that sounds horrible, but I stopped laughing when I saw her eye. She ended up having stitches and all kinds of surgeries, but no worries, she's fine now... that's a story is for another day.

Moving on.

So at this family reunion, I found these super cheap asics and I was so excited to get them because I was really into running at this point. I decided when I bought them that they were going to run all over the world. I wanted to run as many places as I could wearing these shoes. I guess they were going to be a souvenir of sorts from everywhere I had been/run.

That summer I ran through the hills of Macon and the city of Atlanta, Georgia. I ran along the creekside on my way to run by the ocean almost everyday when I was home in South Carolina. I was blessed to be able to run along the swamps in Mississippi... I love swamps. The following year I ran around remote villages in San Lucas, Guatemala with little children following behind me the whole way. The next year I ran through the small town of Barnstable, four hours outside of London, England (and on one treadmill in this tiny little mom and pop gym). That same year, I ran all over South Africa... Capetown, Stellenbosch, Durbin, Tarkastad (this place was so remote that South Africans had never even heard of it). My experience in South Africa wasn't necessarily the healthiest one, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that South Africa is the most beautiful country I have ever seen in my life (but I haven't been to Greece yet).

Every where I went, I ran, and everywhere I ran, I wore these shoes.

In the fall of 2006 I began training for a half marathon the following February. I ran all the time. Everyday... 2 times a day. I was obsessed. It was like being on a drug while I was running... all of my problems would go away. I would mask the emotional pain I was experiencing with the physical pain of running too hard, too long.

The weekend of the Myrtle Beach half marathon, I was in Chicago, IL, being admitted into a treatment center. The story is much deeper than running, which most of you know. It's no secret that I struggled with an eating disorder, but I don't feel the need to re-tell all of that right now. Go back and read posts from 2007 if that's what you're looking for. Part of my sickness was over-exercising, hence all the running. (Note, I am not saying that this is the case for everyone who runs, this was just my personal experience.)

So there I was, marathon weekend, and I was on exercise restriction. I hated everybody, but I was tired of the life I was living, not only physically, but emotionally. Truth be told, I think the anger was a front. I think I was relieved to have someone restrict me from running. I was tired, but I wasn't going to admit that. I wanted people to know I was a good runner, but I didn't want to have to prove it... not anymore. Its tiring when you constantly compete against yourself.

2007... that was the year I stopped running.

Don't get me wrong, I've run a few times here and there and jogged a bit through the forest preserve, but I haven't run consistently on a regular basis since 2007.

Like many things in life, I don't think running has to be all or nothing, but it has taken me a good long while to not only accept that, but believe it. Which is why I stopped running. If I can't run on my terms, I don't want to run at all. Some people may see that as a positive thing seeing as how much I used to run, but honestly, I don't think it is. I think it started out positive in my pursuit of moderation (something I have a very hard time pursuing), but it turned into laziness. And honestly, selfishness. All or nothing. My way or no way.

So today, I put on my orange asics and I went running. I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl under my covers and hide from the world, but instead I went running.

I don't plan on running everyday (at least not for now), I still very much need accountability in this area, but I do plan on being active in some way, shape or form each day (or at the very least, every other day). Not even necessarily because I want to, but because God has blessed me for whatever reason with a full functioning body and I want to glorify Him simply by using what he has given me. I want to express my gratitude for the ability to walk, run, swim, dance and move in ways that are not a right we are entitled to, but a gift.

I don't think I was created to be a runner, but I was created with the ability to run... or walk... something that not every one has. I'm not special, I don't deserve my legs anymore than someone without theirs, so why God has blessed me with such is beyond me. But I do know I want to say thank you, not just by saying thank you anymore, but by using even the seemingly simplest of gifts God has given me.

Thank you, Lord, for our run today. And whether or not we run tomorrow, I pray that in some way, I would take part in Your creation.

Pull me from under the covers and call me outside.

I don't want to hide anymore.

2007- one of my last runs after being in treatment
(wearing my orange asics)