safe

I'm sitting over at a friend's house while she packs up everything she owns to leave for the rest of the summer. She packs everything because she may not be coming back. And again I am faced with another unknown... how long is this friend going to stay gone?

I'm really tired. I know her leaving isn't all about me, but given my selfish nature I have ways of turning into that. I'm tired of facing loss. I didn't allow it to hit me until today that she was leaving. I'm horrible at goodbyes... I hate hate them... I'm more likely to avoid the whole process and just say "see you later!" I'd rather say "see you later" than "goodbye..." even if it does leave me with an unknown. I think in reality I'm more scared of the known than the unknown. If I don't know the answer, I still have hope for what I want the outcome to be. If that answer is not what I want and I know that's the answer, I'm pretty much devastated... and somewhere along the journey I've started to think that life is about avoiding devastation... but it's not.

So today, I decided to live life... and not avoid the devastation. I decided to take part in the whole goodbye process and hang out here with her for the rest of the evening. It's harder than it sounds. I laid on the floor for a while and cried while she loaded up her car. I'm sure it was a combination of reasons for why I was crying as hard as I was, but there was definitely a theme of loss, and I knew that come 5:00am tomorrow morning I was going to lose a very close friend. A friend who has seen me through the losses of other friends... who will see me through this one?

I knew from the very beginning that her stay here was temporary... not only in Illinois, but in the United States... she wants to be a missionary overseas. I knew that to develop a friendship with her was to one day face the loss of a friend. To befriend her meant to face hurt, and even some pain... so I kept my distance. I played it safe.

If there's one thing I've learned it's that safety is no fun.

And her friendship has been everything that safety is not.

Not only is safety not fun, it's not unpredictable, it's not amazing or inspirational, it's not challenging or hard, it's not daring or outspoken, it doesn't spark growth or encourage passion... safety is not an instrumental tool when it comes to experiencing abundant life within the context of a relationship.

Time passed, and so did my need for safety. The potential friendship that God was placing before me was too amazing to not accept. I knew I could avoid the loss, and the hurt, and the pain, but I also knew that if that's what I chose to avoid, I would also be choosing to avoid an amazing friendship... a powerful friendship... a life giving friendship. So... I chose life... over the avoidance of pain.

This is where the pain sets in. She's leaving tomorrow and my friend will be gone. I will be sad, I will cry, and I will feel very hurt... something I know I could have avoided... but I will not regret for a single second the last 6 months that God has blessed me with this friend. I will not regret because I will not forget. I will not forget the truth she has spoken into my life. I will not forget the love she has shown me. And I will not forget how I have been changed for having known her.



Goodbye my friend! Don't be safe... live the life you were meant to live!

I love you moon!