letters from a grateful woman

Tired.

Hurt.

Alone.

Sad.

These words describe me. These words have become me.

The very me of who I am.

Does that even make sense?

I don't know.

Nor do I even care.

I was told today that a thorn may be left in my side for the purposes of keeping me from certain sin. For the purposes of keeping me from pride. For the purposes of thinking that I am everything without anything from God.

At first I was sad.

I don't want a thorn in my side nor more than Paul did (read the bible, I'm not in the mood to explain, unless you ask).

I don't want a thorn in my side no more than a parent wants to be told their child was born with a birth defect. No more than a wife wants to find out her husband was unfaithful. No more than a child wants to hear that one of his parents is leaving.

I don't want to hear it, and I don't want to acknowledge it.

I don't want it to be true. I don't want it to be real.



I want everything to be perfect... just perfect.

I don't want pain. Or sorrow. Or loneliness. Or fear.

I don't want death. I don't want heart break.



I don't want to sit one more night in my bed crying because it hurts so bad that I can barely move.

I don't want one more unfaithful lover.

I don't want one more guy to think he can proceed when I say no.

I don't want one more friend to disappear when I expose a little piece of who I am.


I don't want it... any of it!




But such is life...



and I have chosen life.



Even still... I choose life!



So this letter is to you. To more than one of you, who have stood in my past, and without even knowing, maybe even without the best of intentions, have contributed to shaping me into the woman I am today.









You have made me feel tainted.

You have made me feel not good enough.

Not worthy.

Not loved.

Not wanted.


Maybe because I can't meet your spiritual standards. Or maybe because I can't meet your worldly needs.

Either way, you have made me feel less than what God has intended me to be. And for this, I want to hate you.

I don't know what you want, when you want it, where you want it, or why... but I can't meet it. I can't give it to you, please you, make you proud, or make you someone you're not. I can't make you love me, nor will I ever be the woman you want me to be, because I serve someone bigger than you will ever be!

I may have been used, abused, walked on, and walked over... but I am NOT abandoned.

I am NO less than she who has lived by every rule. I am NO less than he who has broken no vows. I am NO less than he or she who knows purity in it's purest form. I am NO less.

And likewise...

You are no better, nor are you any less, than me.

Our paths may be different.

I know our lives are different.

We are different.

Be we are no more, nor are we any less, than the other.



Outwardly, you may appear to have it all together, and people love you for it. They love you. I love that they love you. I do.

But hear me say, I see the you that nobody sees... the you that struggles. The you that is scared. The you that knows that even though you seem good enough, you know you aren't.

I see the you that's not worthy, and the you that's just plain stupid. I see the you that wants to be seen, but is too afraid to expose who that is.

I see you.

And hear me say,

I love you.

I love you!

I love you, because He loves me.

And you may have hurt me. You may have used me, abused me, walked on me, or over me...

but hear me say,

I forgive you.

And I love you.

I love you!



And all I ask is for the chance to just let me love you...

the way He has loved me.


He has asked me to hear Him say that He has seen the me that nobody sees... the me that struggles. The me that is scared. And the me that knows that even though I seem good enough, I know I'm not.

The me that's not worthy, and the me that's just plain stupid. He sees the me that wants to be seen, but is too afraid to expose who that is.

He sees me.

And He loves me.


And though I have hurt Him...

though I have used Him, abused Him, walked on Him, and over Him...



He has forgiven me!

And He loves me.

He loves me!



And all He has asked is for the chance to let Him love me...



even if it's only so that I might love you...



I will.

And I do.