"Hate is so close to love, you have to love someone to hate them."

Otherwise, why such passion?


I used to hate someone. But I hated him because I loved him. Sometimes I still catch myself getting angry at him, not that I see him or anything, but when I think about what I went through emotionally, I can feel the hatred. I understand as a Christ follower I am to forgive him and let it go, but let's face it, I am a Christ follower, not Christ. So I can't perfectly forgive him the way he deserves to be forgiven... and yes, he does deserve to be forgiven, but only Christ can forgive him in the way he needs to be. I've done the best I can with what I have, but it's not perfect forgiveness.


From my understanding, the beautiful thing is that Christ doesn't ask for perfection, which is great considering the fact that I'm pretty close but not there yet (kidding). So I still get angry. I still feel hurt. I still wonder why. But that's not the driving force of my life. The thoughts creep in, I may dwell on them for a while, maybe even longer than I should, but then as best as I know how, I give it to God... only to grab hold of it again, but I give it up again, and the cycle repeats itself.


It may be a different story if I were to actually see him (the guy). My stomach would turn, and truth be told, I would feel sick. I realize that sounds dramatic, but I'm a girl, and that's how I'm wired. That's just how it is, no apologies. I don't know if I would get mad at him or at God. I tend to take things out on God when someone else hurts me. I'm still exploring what that's all about.


I don't know why I thought about it this morning. I guess I saw that quote and it reminded me how the first time I saw it I knew I had to let go of my hatred. I thought I was over him because I hated him, but I wasn't over him at all, I just channeled my feelings a different way.

Eventually it caught up with me, and I realized hating him was not a sign of being over him, it was a sign of not forgiving him, which meant I was still giving him power over my emotions.

I'm sure you can gather by the way I talk about him it was obviously someone I was in a relationship with... and it's the kinda thing where I kinda was and kinda wasn't... so if it were on facebook it would say "it's complicated!" Which it was... at least from my perspective.

Again, I don't know why I'm writing about this. Maybe I guess because I know a lot of girls feel this way and I don't want them to feel alone, but more so because I don't want them to allow a guy to have such power over their emotions, as I did. I'll be the first to say I've been hurt badly, but what I've realized is that it hurts even more to hold it against the person who hurt me. It kept me in bondage longer, it kept me angry longer, and it kept me from pursuing my own life. It's hard to really go after what you want in life when you are dwelling on all the crap from the past. Hoping that it will get better will not make it better, but letting it go will.

Like I said, there are no "cure alls," but that doesn't mean we can't try. It's hard, it sucks, and it's the last thing I want to do, forgive someone who hurt me, but...

I forgive you Louie.