redeemed

Feburary 5th is my one year of recovery.

Tonight I started looking through old journals... journals which hold a painful part of my life... but one in which I realize I need help.

I wanted to share some of my entries so that people can see who my God is and what exactly He has redeemed me from. These entries don't conatin any hope... if anything, they show lack of hope. But I share them to say there is hope, because I'm here to share them as my past.

I'm here to share them because my Redeemer lives.

11/7/06
12:05am

"I made myself throw up as much as I could after going on a quite unnecessary binge. I don't understand it. I don't understand why I do it... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. I don't even know how to pray. I feel so fat all the time. I feel so bloated. I feel like I can't run far enough, I can't burn enough calories, and I can't eat healthy enough to lose all the weight I want to lose. I want to lose it around my stomach and my legs. I know I've got to work hard to do it and be disciplined, but I just don't seem to be able to. It was like I couldn't stop tonight. I kept trying to think of things to eat next. It makes me sick just to think about it. It makes me sick to think about the things I ate. And to be honest, it makes me want to throw up more. I feel so fat and so worthless right now. I don't know why, God, and I'm sorry. All I can do is give you how I feel. I knew the whole time I was doing it it was wrong, but it didn't stop me. I wanted a fix in the moment. I'm sorry, but then again I even feel like that is meaningless because I'm glad I did it. I have to be honest. I'm not glad I binged, but I'm glad I threw up afterward. It's all sick and I really don't want to continue binging. Please help me..."

11/16/06
"I made myself throw up earlier tonight again. I binged on chocolate and sweets and I made myself throw up again. It's like I'm 2 different people. I was fine earlier tonight and today. I was tired all day, but when I woke up from a little nap, I felt good. I was joking around with mom and having fun. Dad and I went to look at some gyms downtown. When we came back I was goofin' around and dancin' while supper was being prepared. I still felt full from earlier, but of course I wanted to eat. I had some wine before dinner and only ate veggies during. It was after dinner that it all started. It started with some... (detailed description of binge food) ... It was like I couldn't stop. My stomach hurt, but it just felt good to keep eating. It was like my problems were going away as long as I was eating.

... So after the binge I took a shower, during which I made myself throw up. It's hard- it's hard being alone..."



11/17/06
10:37pm
"My stomach hurt most of the day. I guess it was a bit quezzy from last night and all. It was hard on my stomach to eat today.

... My stomach really does hurt. I was going to say I can't wait for this to end, but I don't know if it ever will. This is an issue I'm struggling with- I can't be in denial about it. I'm bulemic- and I need help. Today was a good day- I didn't throw up and I didn't binge..."



11/25/06 (while traveling)
"I think the main reason I've been having such a hard time is not so much the country or the people I'm around, but my own personal issues. Since leaving Hermanus I've made myself throw up quite a few times- after I swore not to do it again- the mental stress that causes, as well as the disappointment in myself has been making each day harder and harder. I basically didn't eat yesterday. I wasn't hungry, and I really think my stomach needed a rest. I ate a few bites of a peach."


11/28/06
11:00pm
"This is no way to live. I hate it. I did it again. I don't even want to write it out because I am so ashamed. I went for so long, and tonight, I gave in again. My stomach hurts, and I'm sure is under tremendous stress- which is probably another reason why my skin is so bad. I keep blaming it on other people, but I really think I'm stressing myself out. I know I'm stressing my body out. I need help, and even though I feel so confused right now, the Lord seems to be the only one I can call for help. Of course, I honestly don't know if He's actually helping me, or if I'm really truly calling on him or just saying that cause I know I should. I have to keep reminding myself that this is just temporary- this trip... or course, my problems will continue to follow me if I don't deal with them. I'm so unhappy. What has happened to me? I'm run down. I'm worn out. I'm tired of trying to keep up- with everyone- with society, with Christians, with my family. I'm running a race I can't win so I don't even feel like trying anymore. I know I need to talk to somebody, I just can't seem to take the step to do it. Knowing and taking action are 2 different things."

11/29/06
"Everyone thinks I'm lactose intolerant. I'm not lactose intolerant, I'm bulemic."


......................

There's so many stages in life... the same is true for recovery. These excerpts only contain a few days of a battle that went on for a few years. These excerpts were in a stage where I finally recognize I have a problem, but I don't quite accept the fact that I can't defeat it on my own. Infact, the harder I tried to beat it on my own, the worse it got.

All this to say... don't go it alone.

For the next few days I'm going to be sharing entries like these. If they bother you, don't read them. I try to be detailed enough to expose the reality of I went through, but not too much detail to trigger someone else or give them ideas for how to cope. Some things were left out, which in all honesty is a beautiful thing. There are things that only God himself knows about me, and yet He loves me anyway. I so appreciate a relationship like that, and if there is anything I have learned, it is that God, and God alone, has given me the relationship that I have always wanted and that I think everyone longs for.

He knows me. He loves me.

The very thought makes me smile.

???

His eye is on the sparrow.

And I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy.

I sing because I'm free.

His eye is on the sparrow.

And I know He watches me.


Lord,
May this be my prayer for today. May this be just enough for today. May I be satisifed in knowing that you are watching over me. May these words pierce all of us so that we may know the depth of your love for us. Simple words with great truth. May your truth always be simple enough for us to recieve but great enough to never make sense of.

When has God ever made sense?

May my actions reflect that... that what God is asking me to do does not make sense... but it doesn't matter, cause it's not about me... it's about God. My God. The one I am willing to not make sense for.

Because what he did for me...

makes no sense at all.

random revelations

Yesterday was a day of truth.

In other words... yesterday was hard.

Don't get me wrong, it was a good day, and one in which I felt at peace, but it was one in which I was confronted by loved ones... in love, but in truth, which as we know can hurt... or at least give a blow to your ego.

I woke up Wednesday morning feeling really at peace... and really grateful... for random things... like blankets, socks, and friends who pray with you all night.

Thinking that this feeling of contentment was going to last all day was cut short by a conversation with a loved one as soon as I hit the top of the stairs. A good conversation... but one that involved a lot of reality, which is hard for a day dreamer like me to hear.

My eyes were opened to seeing that I had become so content in my contentment that I wasn't really motivated to move on to my next phase of life... which I want so badly, but don't act on because I'm so content where I'm at. I used to think this was such a good thing... being content no matter what the circumstances... Paul says it is.

Well... it is a good thing. But when Paul talks about being content no matter what the circumstances, I don't think he meant to the point of not growing and moving forward. See this is what I do, I take scripture and give it the meaning that I want instead of looking for what God meant. In this case, I have taken being content to the extreme of just being satisfied where I'm at... living in my aunt and uncle's basement, working 30 hours a week which is enough to do the things I want to do, but not enough to pay for the things I want to do. I realize in my attempt to not conform to society I have to somehow find some way of conforming without letting it become who I am. I can't live in blissful ignorance of the fact that I need to do some of the things society asks me to do, like get a job, pay my bills, and occasionally take a shower.

OK, so all this to say,

the next phase of my life, and even my recovery, involves me getting out on my own. It involves me taking on more responsibility and...

1/27/08

I never finished that entry. But no matter, I get it. Apparently God had more to show me, so I wasn't really ready to finish it the way I wanted.

My life, which is my recovery, means no longer living in fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of man, fear of a broken heart. Fear. Period. (Is that weird to spell period? I wanted you to get the point. Period.)

I thought not living in fear meant not being scared and trying not to feel those feelings... but it's so not true. Not living in fear means even when you are terrified, just trusting God and stepping forward. It's HARD. And it's OK. It's OK that it's hard.

Don't make it harder by being hard on yourself for being scared. It's OK. Hear God say "It's OK. Trust me anyway. It's OK."

This blog was going to end with me accepting the suckiness of reality. But you know what? Reality doesn't have to suck. It can be hard, and we can be scared, and at the very same time we can trust God with all our hearts.

No longer living in fear means not using contentment as an excuse not to move forward. Am I content where I'm at? Yes. Am I satisfied? No. I want more out of life. Am I scared to death? Yes. But I have decided to live an abundant life, which means lots of beauty... and pain. By accepting life I am accepting the difficulty of it. And I want it. I want the pain involved, I want the failure involved, I want the rejection involved. Do I literally want it? No. Who does? But I know I want the joy of it, I want the success of it, and I want the abundance of it... and I won't know what it is to experience that unless I have experienced the hardship.

Failure is what makes success so sweet. Rejection is what makes acceptance so beautiful. And pain is what makes healing so miraculous. To be healed is to say "I am free." And to be free, there has to be a story. A story of pain. A story of bondage. A story of healing. And one with an ending that screams out in victory... "I am free!"



And this was random...

of what?

I don't know.

I just know I'm scared.

Of what?

I don't know... life... what lies ahead... what doesn't lie ahead... of not knowing... of not being in control... of taking risks... of not taking risks... of leaving my comfort zone... of never leaving my comfort zone... I don't know...

All this to say...

God introduced me to a good friend a few weeks back... and against the advice of many others who tell me not to blog about him since he knows my blog address, I'm going to have to go with my heart on this one. Once again... I see no point in being honest if it's only for a few people to see.

So this friend of mine, who may or may not have a mustache, who I may or may not have blogged about before, has become someone who I really enjoy spending time with. I enjoy his company, I enjoy laughing with him, I enjoy talking to him, I just enjoy him.

So why am I scared?

Why am I scared to enjoy someones company? Why am I scared to share another laugh and another smile with someone? Again?

Probably because of that one word right there... again.

And probably because of the way that I have come to view God as a result of a broken past... a past I know I have been set free from, but one that I have to continually battle to disprove that my God is not who my past says He is.

My past says that god likes to watch me suffer... that god enjoys to take away just as much as he likes to give (if not more). The god of my past is a god who I compete with... I try to beat him to the punch. If I think he is going to take something away, I assume I can spare myself the pain by being the one to end it first. It's like a child hood game where I wave my hands, stick out my tongue, and say "nanny nanny boo boo... I beat you to it!"

And this god enjoys competing with me. He enjoys watching me beat him to the punch because not only am I doing the dirty work for him, but I am bringing the pain upon myself, so there's no one to blame but me. And when I realize I can only blame myself, I run to god and allow him to rescue me, only to take more away from me and do it all over again.

And this morning it hit me... I can't even believe that I would think this of the god that I worship, and still actually want to worship him. Who would? And that's when I had to remind myself... that is not who my God is.

God may give, and God may take away, but He does so to provide for my every need and guide my every step... not to watch me suffer. Suffering is part of life... I believe that... but suffering is not God's purpose for me. And believe you me, there are times when I don't feel that way at all, where I just don't understand what God is doing or even comprehend how He is loving me, but it is in these moments that regardless of what I feel, I choose to believe in God's undeniable goodness and I choose to believe in God's undeniable love for me. That man loves me. He loves me. And sometimes all I can do is repeat that to myself over and over again...

He really, really loves me.

That's not where I planned to go with this blog... at least I don't think it is. I don't know... I just start writing and see where God takes it. Sometimes it's something He wants me to hear, sometimes it's something He wants someone else to hear. Regardless of the reason, it's always Him. So I realize I may start one way and finish another, but such is the story of life. It never goes the way we expect it to.

I guess I can tie all this together by saying, even though God has given and God has taken away... and even though there has been joy and there has been pain... all of it has brought me to where I am today, which is nothing short of a miracle... and a story I wouldn't trade for the world. What I have been through has helped me become who I am, and I will not apologize for that, and I will not ask God to take it away.

And because of all that, because of where I am today, I know I can trust God with what lies ahead. I know there will be seasons of weeping, but He promises a time of laughter to follow.

And regardless of what happens with my friend... whether he stays a friend, becomes more than a friend, or I lose a friend, it does not need to be my concern. God has got this. God has got me. And God has got my friend. And I just so happen to know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose.

The good... it may be what we want, it may not, but it will be good. That's a promise.

And if that's the case...

of whom and of what shall I be afraid?

heartbeats

Life is hard, right?

But it doesn't have to be. I mean, it can be hard, but we don't have to let that determine how we are going to live our lives.

So what are we going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? What am I going to do about it?

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do yet, but I can tell you what I'm not going to do...

I'm not going to let society tell me how to live my life. I'm not going to let the world determine what's important to me and what's not. I'm not going to let the "American dream" define what it means to be successful.

I'm going to pursue passion, not a paycheck. I'm going to pursue excitement, adventure, and laughter. I'm going to pursue a God who put a beat in my heart for something more than just a 9 to 5 desk job with great benefits. I'm going to appreciate the offers I get and the opportunities I am given, but I'm also going to thank God that I don't have to settle for an offer that doesn't offer me life, or the ability to use my gifts. I'm going to thank God that I don't have to settle for something less.

I'd rather settle for a lesser pay than a lesser life.

Jesus didn't just promise life... he promised an abundant life... a life to the full... a life worth living.

Does society promise that? And before you say yes, ask yourself, can society garauntee it?

Don't chase the American dream... chase the heartbeat.

Thank You!

I got emotional driving home tonight.

I realize it was partly because I am a girl, and that's what we do, but it was mainly because of God, and what he has done... with me.

I met with my mentor earlier today and then I went to a support group for girls who graduated from the eating disorder program I was in over the summer. Afterward, a group of us went out to eat and just continue our fellowship.

I was telling some of the girls that on February 5th of this year I will have one year of recovery under my belt. Wow.

I started thinking about last year when I entered treatment. I started thinking about the life I lived prior to treatment, and even the life I lived while first entering treatment. I thought about how I was in such a different place, not only physically, but mentally. It was like going into shock all over again when I realized how far God had brought me, and how faithful he has been to me.

I was honestly amazed even at the thought of just driving home... to where I live now... in Warrenville, IL. I was amazed that I had just been out to eat with a group of friends and I was OK... and I was going to go home, and I was going to be OK. Just the thought of being OK overwhelmed me. I am OK. Do you know how phenomenal it is to say that and really mean it?

I pray that everyone could have revelations like this in their everyday lives... that we are OK. We may not be going on exotic trips, or winning the lottery, throwing fabulous parties, or dancing with the stars, we may not have the job of our dreams, or even one that we like, but we can still be OK.

Just start small.

I started with realizing that I was just able to drive home. I was able to drive home after eating dinner. And after eating dinner, I was able to drive home and get ready for bed. I didn't have to drive home and binge since I had already eaten. I didn't have to drive home and purge since I had already eaten. It didn't have to be all or nothing. I simply got to drive home, and get ready for bed.

So I thought about this, and I cried.

And all I could say was "Thank you!"

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

on that note...

God blesses faithfulness. He responds to it, He acts on it, and He blesses it. Over and over and over Jesus says "because of your faith, you will be healed." Not because of what you have done or how you prayed or what you tithed, but because of your faith. That's it. That's all.

I know for a fact that God is going to bless this girl... the one I previously wrote about. I know for a fact that God is good and He is going to bless her faithfulness to Him. And I know for a fact that God is so excited for her because He is going to blow her away with the plans and promises he has for her life.

She has the opportunity to settle, and in all honesty, that would be the easiest thing to do... for anybody, not just her. But she has chosen something more, and I pray for her continual strength to stick with that decision. And I pray for God's blessing on her life as she choses God over her flesh.

Girl, just wait, you thought you already knew, but God is going to shock you with just how much He loves you. And in turn, you are going to shock the world with how good, how faithful, and how big your God is.

Women...

Oh my gosh...

They are crazy, and weird, and I don't get them at all...

But they are phenomenal!

I'm amped right now. I, being a woman can fess up to being crazy, and weird, and even not understanding myself, but I can also fess up to being phenomenal... not because of anything having to do with me, but everything having to do with God.

I want all women to embrace the craziness each one of us have, the insecurities, and the false hang ups, but I also want all women to realize how amazing God made us, and how phenomenal we are.

Our flesh is weak, but our spirit is strong. And while I am insecure in my flesh, I am totally confident in who I am in Christ.

So... on that note... here's why I'm so amped, and on this "We Can Do It" female rant...

I've been talking with a college age girl at church for a while now about everything from sweaty armpits and bodily functions, to physical boundaries and just life in general. And of course... boys. Or maybe I should say one boy in particular... the guy she has been seeing for quite a while now.

As we have talked the past few weeks she has expressed her awareness of it being an unhealthy relationship and recognizing that she needs to get out of it... but also recognizing her need as a female to be in it. This is not uncommon in the least among the female population... the desire for companionship even at the cost of settling for something less.

I have prayed for her and thought about her situation, and in all honesty, in my own ignorance as a girl have doubted her strength to get out.

After tonight, I realize it's not her strength I was doubting, it was God's.

She told me tonight she ended the relationship, which was music to my ears... but at the same time I have heard it before so I felt unsure of how long it would last. Again, I recognize my own ignorance and doubt... God is still working on me.

She asked me if she could read me the letter she had written to him to explain why the relationship could not continue, but instead handed it to me and had me read it myself.

I heard God's strength in her voice in the letter she wrote to end her relationship of a year and a half... and I heard my doubt silence.

With her permission, I wanted to post the beginning of the letter, not just because I was proud of her, but because I think it's something that every girl needs to hear, believe, and live out in everyday life. It is the heart of a Christian woman, and it is real, and it is not wrong. Yes, we love God, but we live in our flesh... and to silence the struggles of a Christian woman, or of any Christian in general, is to silence the redemptive power of God.

Her letter begins...

"I care about you a lot. I would even say I really do love you. But I am just so tired. I'm emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

When I said that I felt used, I don't know if that was the best word to use to describe it. See, yes, I did want to have sex with you; but it's sex, who doesn't want to have it? I still want it, and I still want it with you, but it's not right. I tried to explain this to you hoping that you would respect me, and I was shot down every time, only to feel like in order for you to be happy with me, and want to be with me, and for me to feel close to you I would have to sleep with you. So no, I didn't say no, and yes, I did want it. and for you to fully understand what i want and how i feel now, you would have to be on the same page as me with the whole God thing, and you're not. and that's cool, that's your thing, but see, God's my thing.

You say I have changed, well I have. I've grown further and further from God as I build my wall up and as I grow further, my heart grows darker, and as my heart grows darker I begin to not be who I am or who I want to be. And that is no one's fault but mine. But you don't want God to be the center of your life or your relationships, and I've slowly learned that I do; and I need a man who is willing to stand by me and encourage me and lead me on my walk with God."


Excuse my language, but HOT DAMN!!!

I'm sorry, it just calls for it.

Girls... believe it. Believe God. Believe his goodness. Believe in his faithfulness to those who wait. I am not going to lie... it's hard. Being a woman is hard. Being a Christian is hard. Waiting on the Lord is hard. Life in general is hard... but please hear me when I say... "IT IS SO WORTH IT!" And hear God scream out as he agrees and says "I PROMISE!"