random revelations

Yesterday was a day of truth.

In other words... yesterday was hard.

Don't get me wrong, it was a good day, and one in which I felt at peace, but it was one in which I was confronted by loved ones... in love, but in truth, which as we know can hurt... or at least give a blow to your ego.

I woke up Wednesday morning feeling really at peace... and really grateful... for random things... like blankets, socks, and friends who pray with you all night.

Thinking that this feeling of contentment was going to last all day was cut short by a conversation with a loved one as soon as I hit the top of the stairs. A good conversation... but one that involved a lot of reality, which is hard for a day dreamer like me to hear.

My eyes were opened to seeing that I had become so content in my contentment that I wasn't really motivated to move on to my next phase of life... which I want so badly, but don't act on because I'm so content where I'm at. I used to think this was such a good thing... being content no matter what the circumstances... Paul says it is.

Well... it is a good thing. But when Paul talks about being content no matter what the circumstances, I don't think he meant to the point of not growing and moving forward. See this is what I do, I take scripture and give it the meaning that I want instead of looking for what God meant. In this case, I have taken being content to the extreme of just being satisfied where I'm at... living in my aunt and uncle's basement, working 30 hours a week which is enough to do the things I want to do, but not enough to pay for the things I want to do. I realize in my attempt to not conform to society I have to somehow find some way of conforming without letting it become who I am. I can't live in blissful ignorance of the fact that I need to do some of the things society asks me to do, like get a job, pay my bills, and occasionally take a shower.

OK, so all this to say,

the next phase of my life, and even my recovery, involves me getting out on my own. It involves me taking on more responsibility and...

1/27/08

I never finished that entry. But no matter, I get it. Apparently God had more to show me, so I wasn't really ready to finish it the way I wanted.

My life, which is my recovery, means no longer living in fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of man, fear of a broken heart. Fear. Period. (Is that weird to spell period? I wanted you to get the point. Period.)

I thought not living in fear meant not being scared and trying not to feel those feelings... but it's so not true. Not living in fear means even when you are terrified, just trusting God and stepping forward. It's HARD. And it's OK. It's OK that it's hard.

Don't make it harder by being hard on yourself for being scared. It's OK. Hear God say "It's OK. Trust me anyway. It's OK."

This blog was going to end with me accepting the suckiness of reality. But you know what? Reality doesn't have to suck. It can be hard, and we can be scared, and at the very same time we can trust God with all our hearts.

No longer living in fear means not using contentment as an excuse not to move forward. Am I content where I'm at? Yes. Am I satisfied? No. I want more out of life. Am I scared to death? Yes. But I have decided to live an abundant life, which means lots of beauty... and pain. By accepting life I am accepting the difficulty of it. And I want it. I want the pain involved, I want the failure involved, I want the rejection involved. Do I literally want it? No. Who does? But I know I want the joy of it, I want the success of it, and I want the abundance of it... and I won't know what it is to experience that unless I have experienced the hardship.

Failure is what makes success so sweet. Rejection is what makes acceptance so beautiful. And pain is what makes healing so miraculous. To be healed is to say "I am free." And to be free, there has to be a story. A story of pain. A story of bondage. A story of healing. And one with an ending that screams out in victory... "I am free!"



And this was random...