of what?

I don't know.

I just know I'm scared.

Of what?

I don't know... life... what lies ahead... what doesn't lie ahead... of not knowing... of not being in control... of taking risks... of not taking risks... of leaving my comfort zone... of never leaving my comfort zone... I don't know...

All this to say...

God introduced me to a good friend a few weeks back... and against the advice of many others who tell me not to blog about him since he knows my blog address, I'm going to have to go with my heart on this one. Once again... I see no point in being honest if it's only for a few people to see.

So this friend of mine, who may or may not have a mustache, who I may or may not have blogged about before, has become someone who I really enjoy spending time with. I enjoy his company, I enjoy laughing with him, I enjoy talking to him, I just enjoy him.

So why am I scared?

Why am I scared to enjoy someones company? Why am I scared to share another laugh and another smile with someone? Again?

Probably because of that one word right there... again.

And probably because of the way that I have come to view God as a result of a broken past... a past I know I have been set free from, but one that I have to continually battle to disprove that my God is not who my past says He is.

My past says that god likes to watch me suffer... that god enjoys to take away just as much as he likes to give (if not more). The god of my past is a god who I compete with... I try to beat him to the punch. If I think he is going to take something away, I assume I can spare myself the pain by being the one to end it first. It's like a child hood game where I wave my hands, stick out my tongue, and say "nanny nanny boo boo... I beat you to it!"

And this god enjoys competing with me. He enjoys watching me beat him to the punch because not only am I doing the dirty work for him, but I am bringing the pain upon myself, so there's no one to blame but me. And when I realize I can only blame myself, I run to god and allow him to rescue me, only to take more away from me and do it all over again.

And this morning it hit me... I can't even believe that I would think this of the god that I worship, and still actually want to worship him. Who would? And that's when I had to remind myself... that is not who my God is.

God may give, and God may take away, but He does so to provide for my every need and guide my every step... not to watch me suffer. Suffering is part of life... I believe that... but suffering is not God's purpose for me. And believe you me, there are times when I don't feel that way at all, where I just don't understand what God is doing or even comprehend how He is loving me, but it is in these moments that regardless of what I feel, I choose to believe in God's undeniable goodness and I choose to believe in God's undeniable love for me. That man loves me. He loves me. And sometimes all I can do is repeat that to myself over and over again...

He really, really loves me.

That's not where I planned to go with this blog... at least I don't think it is. I don't know... I just start writing and see where God takes it. Sometimes it's something He wants me to hear, sometimes it's something He wants someone else to hear. Regardless of the reason, it's always Him. So I realize I may start one way and finish another, but such is the story of life. It never goes the way we expect it to.

I guess I can tie all this together by saying, even though God has given and God has taken away... and even though there has been joy and there has been pain... all of it has brought me to where I am today, which is nothing short of a miracle... and a story I wouldn't trade for the world. What I have been through has helped me become who I am, and I will not apologize for that, and I will not ask God to take it away.

And because of all that, because of where I am today, I know I can trust God with what lies ahead. I know there will be seasons of weeping, but He promises a time of laughter to follow.

And regardless of what happens with my friend... whether he stays a friend, becomes more than a friend, or I lose a friend, it does not need to be my concern. God has got this. God has got me. And God has got my friend. And I just so happen to know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose.

The good... it may be what we want, it may not, but it will be good. That's a promise.

And if that's the case...

of whom and of what shall I be afraid?