redeemed

Feburary 5th is my one year of recovery.

Tonight I started looking through old journals... journals which hold a painful part of my life... but one in which I realize I need help.

I wanted to share some of my entries so that people can see who my God is and what exactly He has redeemed me from. These entries don't conatin any hope... if anything, they show lack of hope. But I share them to say there is hope, because I'm here to share them as my past.

I'm here to share them because my Redeemer lives.

11/7/06
12:05am

"I made myself throw up as much as I could after going on a quite unnecessary binge. I don't understand it. I don't understand why I do it... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. I don't even know how to pray. I feel so fat all the time. I feel so bloated. I feel like I can't run far enough, I can't burn enough calories, and I can't eat healthy enough to lose all the weight I want to lose. I want to lose it around my stomach and my legs. I know I've got to work hard to do it and be disciplined, but I just don't seem to be able to. It was like I couldn't stop tonight. I kept trying to think of things to eat next. It makes me sick just to think about it. It makes me sick to think about the things I ate. And to be honest, it makes me want to throw up more. I feel so fat and so worthless right now. I don't know why, God, and I'm sorry. All I can do is give you how I feel. I knew the whole time I was doing it it was wrong, but it didn't stop me. I wanted a fix in the moment. I'm sorry, but then again I even feel like that is meaningless because I'm glad I did it. I have to be honest. I'm not glad I binged, but I'm glad I threw up afterward. It's all sick and I really don't want to continue binging. Please help me..."

11/16/06
"I made myself throw up earlier tonight again. I binged on chocolate and sweets and I made myself throw up again. It's like I'm 2 different people. I was fine earlier tonight and today. I was tired all day, but when I woke up from a little nap, I felt good. I was joking around with mom and having fun. Dad and I went to look at some gyms downtown. When we came back I was goofin' around and dancin' while supper was being prepared. I still felt full from earlier, but of course I wanted to eat. I had some wine before dinner and only ate veggies during. It was after dinner that it all started. It started with some... (detailed description of binge food) ... It was like I couldn't stop. My stomach hurt, but it just felt good to keep eating. It was like my problems were going away as long as I was eating.

... So after the binge I took a shower, during which I made myself throw up. It's hard- it's hard being alone..."



11/17/06
10:37pm
"My stomach hurt most of the day. I guess it was a bit quezzy from last night and all. It was hard on my stomach to eat today.

... My stomach really does hurt. I was going to say I can't wait for this to end, but I don't know if it ever will. This is an issue I'm struggling with- I can't be in denial about it. I'm bulemic- and I need help. Today was a good day- I didn't throw up and I didn't binge..."



11/25/06 (while traveling)
"I think the main reason I've been having such a hard time is not so much the country or the people I'm around, but my own personal issues. Since leaving Hermanus I've made myself throw up quite a few times- after I swore not to do it again- the mental stress that causes, as well as the disappointment in myself has been making each day harder and harder. I basically didn't eat yesterday. I wasn't hungry, and I really think my stomach needed a rest. I ate a few bites of a peach."


11/28/06
11:00pm
"This is no way to live. I hate it. I did it again. I don't even want to write it out because I am so ashamed. I went for so long, and tonight, I gave in again. My stomach hurts, and I'm sure is under tremendous stress- which is probably another reason why my skin is so bad. I keep blaming it on other people, but I really think I'm stressing myself out. I know I'm stressing my body out. I need help, and even though I feel so confused right now, the Lord seems to be the only one I can call for help. Of course, I honestly don't know if He's actually helping me, or if I'm really truly calling on him or just saying that cause I know I should. I have to keep reminding myself that this is just temporary- this trip... or course, my problems will continue to follow me if I don't deal with them. I'm so unhappy. What has happened to me? I'm run down. I'm worn out. I'm tired of trying to keep up- with everyone- with society, with Christians, with my family. I'm running a race I can't win so I don't even feel like trying anymore. I know I need to talk to somebody, I just can't seem to take the step to do it. Knowing and taking action are 2 different things."

11/29/06
"Everyone thinks I'm lactose intolerant. I'm not lactose intolerant, I'm bulemic."


......................

There's so many stages in life... the same is true for recovery. These excerpts only contain a few days of a battle that went on for a few years. These excerpts were in a stage where I finally recognize I have a problem, but I don't quite accept the fact that I can't defeat it on my own. Infact, the harder I tried to beat it on my own, the worse it got.

All this to say... don't go it alone.

For the next few days I'm going to be sharing entries like these. If they bother you, don't read them. I try to be detailed enough to expose the reality of I went through, but not too much detail to trigger someone else or give them ideas for how to cope. Some things were left out, which in all honesty is a beautiful thing. There are things that only God himself knows about me, and yet He loves me anyway. I so appreciate a relationship like that, and if there is anything I have learned, it is that God, and God alone, has given me the relationship that I have always wanted and that I think everyone longs for.

He knows me. He loves me.

The very thought makes me smile.