without

I don't know why I've been on a seemingly never-ending hiatus from reading Scripture, but today I revisited my dear old friend I'd left sitting on a homemade bookshelf for so long and found comfort in the truths that I had long forgotten.

It's easy to take on the "I don't need to read Scripture everyday because God loves me anyway" stance, because let's face it, it's true. But what I've come to realize (time and time again) is that no matter how true that may be, no matter how deeply, madly and passionately God may love me despite all my mishaps and forgetfulness of His word, I go crazy without it.

I go crazy without relying heavily on the truth He longs for me to listen to day in and day out. I don't care what psychiatrist, therapist, nutritionist, herbalist, naturalist, whatever-ist doctor may say... NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING sustains me like His word.

I don't know how it is that I manage to forget so often, but no matter how many times it takes me to come crawling back and beg for forgiveness, I pray that I never forget the beauty of His word and the power of redemption that is found within.

I'm not here to convince anyone of the power of Scripture. I'm here to claim it's victory in my life... time and time again. Even when it seems that all is lost, there is peace in reading God's promises.

I feel as though I'm at a crossroads at this point in my life; my future lays ahead of me and there are decisions waiting to be made. I've had the hardest time the last few weeks feeling as if I'm even capable of making such decisions. I think I may even be putting more pressure and stress on myself than is actually necessary (if any is necessary at all), but I find myself desperate for clarity.

Once again, today I wore myself out with the stress. I retreated to the only place I feel peace from the chaos of life and the stress of making decisions... sleep. I took a long nap and dreaded the thought of waking up again only to deal with the decisions that would still be there when I awoke.

Sure enough, I awoke, and there they were... staring me in the face. I left my apartment and decided to walk about the city. Once outside, I immediately hated my decision... the large crowds and all the honking began to stress me out even more. Where can I go to get quiet without having to fall asleep?

After a bit I walked back to my apartment and I pulled out my Bible. I sat on my couch dreading the decision of what I would even read. I would love to say I just opened my Bible and there before me was the very verse I was waiting to hear to solve all the answers to my "problems," but that didn't happen. In fact, I think that rarely happens, so if it doesn't often or even ever happen to you, don't feel bad.

It's not you, it's life. Some things aren't always laid before us... we have to search for them.

After not searching hard, but searching more than I thought I would have to since the clouds didn't part and the light didn't shine down on the perfect verse for me to read, I finally settled on Psalm 34.

It was (and still is if you read it) beautiful.

I pulled out a big sketch pad and began to take notes. Over and over again I not only wrote down God's promises, but I wrote down my part in receiving those promises. One of the footnotes about this particular Psalm stated "God promises great blessings to His people, but many of these blessings require active participation."

I realized that I so often want God's blessings without ever having to do anything for them. I know I don't have to earn God's love, I'm not saying that, but I am saying that if I expect to receive God's blessings, then I think I need to get off my duff and do something about it.

I so often ask God for peace, and right there in verse 14 of Psalm 34 it says "Search for peace and work to maintain it."*

Search and work...

two things I haven't been doing while expecting God to answer me.

I still have a lot of decisions ahead of me and choices to make without any real direction. I can honestly say that I didn't receive much, if any, clarity tonight, but I'm OK with that. In reading God's word I received something better than clarity, I received peace...

a peace that passes understanding...

a peace without clarity.