SURPRISE!

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't get on the plane.

I couldn't leave.

I know the time will come when I will have to leave... but for now, I couldn't do it.

I was supposed to leave Africa today... in fact, the rest of my team is sitting on the plane right now as I type this and maybe even as you read, heading back home.

I couldn't do it.

An hour before we were supposed to leave for the airport, I made a few phone calls, took a few risks, and I made a choice... I'm not going to go home yet.

I know... at home I have a job to get back to, and some other money making opportunities, which I jump at every chance I get since I pay my own rent now, so financially it may not have been the best choice. I recognize that. I acknowledge it. And I accept it... financially... it was just dumb.

But to be honest... that is the last possible thing I could care about right now. Call it irresponsible, call it spontaneous, call it not thinking it through, call it whatever you want, but none of it matters... because it is what it is... no matter what you call it...

It's getting to hold that little girl again in Namyoya and rock her in my arms. It's getting to hug those women with AIDS as they wonder why someone who didn't have AIDS even wanted to touch them, let alone someone who was American. It's getting to dance like a total white girl and have a church full of African families laugh hysterically and welcome me into their culture. It's getting to hold the hands of a different color... ones that are not very familiar to me, but that have become part of who I am.

It's getting to see Bosco smile and hearing Jerome laugh. It's getting to hug Idah and allow her to hold me like I've never been held before. It's getting to have dinner with Karm again (even if it means more pineapple) while we plan her escape to America in my suitcase. It's getting to make a few more faces in the rear view mirror while Fred is trying to drive the bus. It's getting to see some of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen in my life... the smiles of Uganda.

It's getting to re-examine what life is all about... and question what really makes it important.

I know, easy for me to say now, I'm still in Africa. I'm still in "the dream." The time will come for me to leave, go back home, and with enough time to pass I will get back in the swing of "reality." But what is reality? And who gets to define it? If reality is a nine to five desk job, I know I've said more than once that I don't want it. If reality is being successful, I could do with out it. If reality is being financially stable, I don't really care... I want the risks... I want the adventures... I want the challenges.

Maybe one day I will grow up and realize that this thinking was foolish and I was being so immature... but I'll worry about that day when that day comes. I'll embrace that day when I am all grown up just as I am going to embrace today while I am still immature. I'm not going to rush my life, I'm going to live it. And right now that means staying in Africa... even if only two more weeks... it's two more weeks that I am never going to forget.


SURPRISE! See you mid-July!